Dear Lucia,
Well 2010 is almost over. What a year it's been. Started off pregnant with you (as of 12/30) and almost lost you, but here we are healthy and happy. When this year started out, neither daddy nor I was working. Things didn't look very promising. Then I started at Sony Music and two days later my period was late. I knew in my heart I was pregnant and two tests that Saturday, January 23rd, confirmed it. It was scary - we had no health insurance and with my diabetes, I had a lot to worry about. Daddy started working a few weeks later and I interviewed for a fulltime job. With morning sickness and winter weather to contend with, I commuted to NY and interviewed in my free time. Luckily Sony made me permanent as of March, so we could finally go to the OB. We saw you for the first time on an ultrasound and you were a tiny little bean with a blinking heartbeat. As I wasn't showing yet, this made it real to us. You were there, growing, heart beating. Each week I'd get an email to let me know what size you were as compared with food - avocado, lemon, bell pepper... you grew so fast! The summer was BRUTAL!! I was swollen, hot, big old cankles... All of it was so worth it because I could feel your movements and I knew I loved you so much.
I loved feeling you in my belly. It felt so private, just you and me. I would swear I felt you kick my ribs but you were breech, butt down, for the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy. You kind of tilted one way to the other, but you did not flip. So you were headbutting me all those weeks. Daddy and I were rubbing and talking to your butt (which we had thought was your head!). I loved knowing you were safe in there. Every week I got to see you on ultrasounds, and I loved it. You had so much hair from early on, such big squeezable chubby cheeks. I could see such detailed images of your cute face. I loved walking around and talking to you, playing music for you, rubbing my belly. It got so huge - I did use it as a shelf to rest my arms on, the remote, my ipod, Nintendo DS, food. :)
Now here we are, at the end of 2010. We've come so far. Going from the surprise of a lifetime - we're having a BABY to almost losing you. Along the way in my pregnancy feeling every possible emotion - elation, fear, worry, anxiety, joy, love, insecurity of whether or not I'd be a good mom. Then I almost lost you. The day you were born, I was so scared. I felt less movement in my belly, and you were a very active baby - considering you were over 9 lbs, you moved a LOT. I hadn't felt you move. I had fear in the pit of my stomach. And you weren't moving, you had no heartbeat at birth, not breathing. You were fully resuscitated. I didn't get to see your face until 30 mins after birth. I didn't even see your hair - I saw blue eyes and blond eyelashes. You were then swooped away. I fell in love with you then. I was SO HAPPY to have a little girl. Not that I wouldn't have been happy with a boy, but I wanted a girl!! I wanted to have a cooking partner, go to the Nutcracker, buy patent leather mary janes, ponytails, prom dresses. I wanted a girl. Now I can sit here and dream of doing all of those things with you, Lucia.
I finally feel I have to let go of the pain of your birth. It was the scariest day of my life. It was also the most amazing. I became a mother and with that, I was afraid - I loved you so much instantly. All those fears of being an inadequate parents fell away. All I knew is you had to be okay. I had to be with you and hold your hand and love you. You would be okay if I could be with you, if Daddy could be with you. I had to wait four long days to get to see you again. I saw you once more strapped to a stretcher with tubes all over you. I got to touch your face and it was so surreal. Here I had been worried about lack of skin to skin contact directly after birth due to my c-section, and I couldn't hold you at all. I didn't know if I'd ever get to. i had to touch you, and kiss my fingers and give you a kiss that way. I was so scared because in those short moments I knew I loved you so much and I'd do anything for you. I couldn't lose you. I couldn't give up hope.
I'm glad I didn't. I really never did. I kept pumping breastmilk defiantly as a way of showing the doctors, you, everyone I wasn't giving up. You'd be ok - you'd get my milk one day, and you'd thrive. And you did. And you are. I love you so much. Looking at this giggling, smiling, beautiful little girl, I am so proud of you. I can't even look at you without tearing up because I am amazed by you. What a long year it's been, and I'm so glad we're on the other side now. We have a new year ahead of us full of milestones and memories. There is so much I can't wait to do with you.
I love you my daughter, my angel, my beautiful little princess. You are seriously the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen and I'm not just saying that because I'm biased, because I"m your mother. I love you Lucia Hope. You are the best and my most proud accomplishment. I love being your mother, and I"m so glad you fought like hell for me to have that privilege. Now, as the new year begins, I need to put the pain behind me and focus on the joy and the miracle and the beauty that is your life. I have to let the pain go and feel confident, moving forward, moving ahead. You will be more than okay. You will be amazing. You already are.
Love, Mama
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
December 22, 2010
Dear Lucia,
I am 35 today and you are my birthday present. Today was frustrating because I was busy at work and I just wanted to be here with you. Taking care of you is the job I wish I could commit 100% of my time and energy to. I hope you know that I'm thinking of you and missing you constantly. I know that I have to be there and some days are easier than others, but I miss you so much. Spending time caring for and playing with you is the highlight of my life and is so much more fulfilling than anything I could ever imagine. I'm so sleepy so I'm sorry this must be short, but I want to cuddle with you now.
Thank you for being such a beautiful little princess! At last night's doctor visit, you were measured - 23.5" and 11lbs 6oz. You are at 50% for your growth. You at least get plenty of use out of your clothes! You aren't outgrowing things too quickly. For a big baby at birth, you are quite a little peanut now. I think probably one lb of your birthweight is in your hair. I love you. I'm so excited also to spend your first Christmas together. You make the holidays fun.
Love, mama
I am 35 today and you are my birthday present. Today was frustrating because I was busy at work and I just wanted to be here with you. Taking care of you is the job I wish I could commit 100% of my time and energy to. I hope you know that I'm thinking of you and missing you constantly. I know that I have to be there and some days are easier than others, but I miss you so much. Spending time caring for and playing with you is the highlight of my life and is so much more fulfilling than anything I could ever imagine. I'm so sleepy so I'm sorry this must be short, but I want to cuddle with you now.
Thank you for being such a beautiful little princess! At last night's doctor visit, you were measured - 23.5" and 11lbs 6oz. You are at 50% for your growth. You at least get plenty of use out of your clothes! You aren't outgrowing things too quickly. For a big baby at birth, you are quite a little peanut now. I think probably one lb of your birthweight is in your hair. I love you. I'm so excited also to spend your first Christmas together. You make the holidays fun.
Love, mama
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
December 15, 2010
Dear Lucia,
It's been almost a month since I updated this. It's been very hectic, going back to work. I've just gone, on autopilot, feeling very sleepy. I can't think about it or I get too sad. I could start crying and not easily stop. I just try to stay busy so the day will pass more quickly. I pump milk 3x a day, so those are the quiet moments where I feel connected to you though we are far apart. I reflect and I think of you, how much I love you. It's a lot of work but I remind myself that it is my milk that has kept you strong, healthy, thriving. I will do anything to give you this special gift. I have to know that I'm doing everything I can for you. It's hard, and I was actually glad that although I was sick last week, I got extra snuggle/cuddle time with you. Some nights I get home and you are asleep and it kills me. I just want to hold you, kiss you, snuggle you, but I need to let you sleep. You are growing up so fast, and I miss you. I'm afraid I'll miss things you do for the first time. I just have to remember that when I experience them, they will be new to me. I will be proud of you, as always.
You've grown so much. You are ONLY on bottles now, and taking less thick milk than you were before. You are making progress. You hold your head up so strong and so proudly! You can sit up in your bumbo and love tummy time. You prefer it on the Boppy so you are off the ground and can look around. You reach for toys. You smile. A lot. You recognize me and give me the most amazing smiles and grins. You babble and coo, which is the cutest thing in the world. New sounds are added constantly, new letter combos. You started with oohs and aahs and now have a-ga and gooo, all kinds of sounds. Your cries even take on new sounds of protest. You are sleeping through the night, and are still such an easygoing baby. You like bathtime, love splashing, playing with rubber duckie. You just hate getting out and drying off. I don't blame you - I hate that in the cold weather too. You did love to talk to your reflection in the mirror last week though, that was the cutest ever. You were fussing as usual, but then you caught your reflection and started to coo, staring at your own face all the while. You were checking out the pretty girl in the mirror. It was too cute.
This is your first Christmas and I'm so glad you are home. I remember being in the hospital and scared you wouldnt make it and thinking how sad this year would be. But you're home, you're alive. You are so strong, and I know I say this every time, but it's true. I don't think you'll ever realize how strong you are. You are who gives me strength. I am not really loving my job most days, and I hate my commute. You show me how to get through it, remind me you will love me. When you recognize me and greet me with a smile, my heart melts. I'm always afraid (silly) that you'll forget me, you won't remember who I am. I'm so relieved when you are happy to see me. You are doing everything you are supposed to do - every dr./specialist says so. You have come so far in three months. Just look where we were when I started this blog. I was sitting bedside in CHOP. Now you are on my bed, leaning on the Boppy, snoozing away. You are already teething. Now you need to slow down. I don't want to miss anything, and I don't want it to fly by this fast.
I love you, and I"m sorry I'm so slow to update this. So much has been happening, but I haven't had time to update. As I think of details I'll write them down. So far so good, so amazing. Time to snuggle you, kiss you. This is the highlight of my life right now. Life is good. My baby is healthy, breathing, and strong.
I love you, angel. Keep making me proud!
Love, Mama
It's been almost a month since I updated this. It's been very hectic, going back to work. I've just gone, on autopilot, feeling very sleepy. I can't think about it or I get too sad. I could start crying and not easily stop. I just try to stay busy so the day will pass more quickly. I pump milk 3x a day, so those are the quiet moments where I feel connected to you though we are far apart. I reflect and I think of you, how much I love you. It's a lot of work but I remind myself that it is my milk that has kept you strong, healthy, thriving. I will do anything to give you this special gift. I have to know that I'm doing everything I can for you. It's hard, and I was actually glad that although I was sick last week, I got extra snuggle/cuddle time with you. Some nights I get home and you are asleep and it kills me. I just want to hold you, kiss you, snuggle you, but I need to let you sleep. You are growing up so fast, and I miss you. I'm afraid I'll miss things you do for the first time. I just have to remember that when I experience them, they will be new to me. I will be proud of you, as always.
You've grown so much. You are ONLY on bottles now, and taking less thick milk than you were before. You are making progress. You hold your head up so strong and so proudly! You can sit up in your bumbo and love tummy time. You prefer it on the Boppy so you are off the ground and can look around. You reach for toys. You smile. A lot. You recognize me and give me the most amazing smiles and grins. You babble and coo, which is the cutest thing in the world. New sounds are added constantly, new letter combos. You started with oohs and aahs and now have a-ga and gooo, all kinds of sounds. Your cries even take on new sounds of protest. You are sleeping through the night, and are still such an easygoing baby. You like bathtime, love splashing, playing with rubber duckie. You just hate getting out and drying off. I don't blame you - I hate that in the cold weather too. You did love to talk to your reflection in the mirror last week though, that was the cutest ever. You were fussing as usual, but then you caught your reflection and started to coo, staring at your own face all the while. You were checking out the pretty girl in the mirror. It was too cute.
This is your first Christmas and I'm so glad you are home. I remember being in the hospital and scared you wouldnt make it and thinking how sad this year would be. But you're home, you're alive. You are so strong, and I know I say this every time, but it's true. I don't think you'll ever realize how strong you are. You are who gives me strength. I am not really loving my job most days, and I hate my commute. You show me how to get through it, remind me you will love me. When you recognize me and greet me with a smile, my heart melts. I'm always afraid (silly) that you'll forget me, you won't remember who I am. I'm so relieved when you are happy to see me. You are doing everything you are supposed to do - every dr./specialist says so. You have come so far in three months. Just look where we were when I started this blog. I was sitting bedside in CHOP. Now you are on my bed, leaning on the Boppy, snoozing away. You are already teething. Now you need to slow down. I don't want to miss anything, and I don't want it to fly by this fast.
I love you, and I"m sorry I'm so slow to update this. So much has been happening, but I haven't had time to update. As I think of details I'll write them down. So far so good, so amazing. Time to snuggle you, kiss you. This is the highlight of my life right now. Life is good. My baby is healthy, breathing, and strong.
I love you, angel. Keep making me proud!
Love, Mama
Saturday, November 20, 2010
November 20, 2010
Dear Lucia,
A whole week has passed and I haven't written. This was our last week together, home alone, just you and I. I'm heartbroken, but I know you need me to be strong for you. You have consistently been such a strong girl, no matter how scary the circumstance. I will never forget how you looked up at me, finally eyes wide open, the day of your MRI on 9/23. Amanda and Daddy were with me, and we prayed for you in the hospital chapel. I remember thinking oh please, please just pull through, just give us a sign of hope. You gave us several signs every day of your growing strength. I clung to each little step you'd take, and soon you were jumping leaps and bounds and I could barely keep up. I need an ounce of your strength this week, my love. I have to be brave and do what I have to do. This is a sacrifice, little lamb, that I hope you'll understand. Every single thing I do is for you. Please know that. I will always do what I think is best, and I will always be there for you. I may not be near you every second of the day, but you are always in my heart and on my mind. I will always be on your side, and I will do anything for your happiness and wellbeing. You are all I'd ever dreamt of, the most beautiful baby ever. Daddy and I look at your and tears well up in my eyes because no matter what else is going on in my life I look at you, and it's like all my dreams came true, all our dreams came true. I have to focus on that, on the light and the hope that you bring to me every day. I know that I will savor every minute with you, and maybe I will appreciate everything we do together even more.
I'm so proud of you. You are on ONLY bottles now, no more feeding tube. I hope we don't go back to the tube ever again. I can see and pinch both of your cute little cheeks now. I can see you now as a healthy, happy, pink-cheeked baby. You look perfect, an angel. I am so proud!! I am still pumping milk, and you are still on thickened feeds, but it's a huge leap in the right direction. Ack - I need to go give you a bottle now. You are so hungry, growing so fast. You are 23" and 10lbs, 7oz!!
i love you immeasurably!!
Love, Mama
A whole week has passed and I haven't written. This was our last week together, home alone, just you and I. I'm heartbroken, but I know you need me to be strong for you. You have consistently been such a strong girl, no matter how scary the circumstance. I will never forget how you looked up at me, finally eyes wide open, the day of your MRI on 9/23. Amanda and Daddy were with me, and we prayed for you in the hospital chapel. I remember thinking oh please, please just pull through, just give us a sign of hope. You gave us several signs every day of your growing strength. I clung to each little step you'd take, and soon you were jumping leaps and bounds and I could barely keep up. I need an ounce of your strength this week, my love. I have to be brave and do what I have to do. This is a sacrifice, little lamb, that I hope you'll understand. Every single thing I do is for you. Please know that. I will always do what I think is best, and I will always be there for you. I may not be near you every second of the day, but you are always in my heart and on my mind. I will always be on your side, and I will do anything for your happiness and wellbeing. You are all I'd ever dreamt of, the most beautiful baby ever. Daddy and I look at your and tears well up in my eyes because no matter what else is going on in my life I look at you, and it's like all my dreams came true, all our dreams came true. I have to focus on that, on the light and the hope that you bring to me every day. I know that I will savor every minute with you, and maybe I will appreciate everything we do together even more.
I'm so proud of you. You are on ONLY bottles now, no more feeding tube. I hope we don't go back to the tube ever again. I can see and pinch both of your cute little cheeks now. I can see you now as a healthy, happy, pink-cheeked baby. You look perfect, an angel. I am so proud!! I am still pumping milk, and you are still on thickened feeds, but it's a huge leap in the right direction. Ack - I need to go give you a bottle now. You are so hungry, growing so fast. You are 23" and 10lbs, 7oz!!
i love you immeasurably!!
Love, Mama
Saturday, November 13, 2010
November 13, 2010
Dear Lucia,
Happy two months!! I can't believe the big girl you are becoming!! Now you have officially been home more than you've been in the hospital. Amazing!! Finally. Unfortunately, this means my maternity leave is almost over. I'm so sad at the thought of leaving you, but it's a sacrifice that I only hope you will understand. I hope I can work from home parttime. I am doing what I need to do so that you may have a good life. I want to make sure we have healthcare. I am doing what I have to. Please know that you are on my mind all the time, and I hate being apart from you. I know I will savor those times together even more, and I will always hold you close to me. It will be challenging because ever since I started this job, I was pregnant. You were always with me. I would take long walks at lunchtime, walk around Madison Avenue, upper east side, near the water. I would window shop, people watch, stroll through Central Park. I would touch my tummy and talk to you. I know you loved these walks because you would move all over the place and kick me often. I felt so close to you. This will be the first time I will be doing these walks without you. You are forever in my heart, so I will carry you with me in that way.
As I type you are in your Beco Gemini carrier, snuggling against me. You are sucking away on your paci, and it feels almost like breastfeeding! Haha. Still hoping you can do that one day. Your swallow test keeps getting moved, and now with returning to work I'm not sure how I can do it. You need to do it so you can have this tube removed!! You are making so much progress. You took 140 mL at one feeding today!! That's insane. And in like 20 minutes. You are so alert, more and more awake each day. You look for Daddy and me when you hear our voices. You like to try to grab toys. You enjoy tummy time on the Boppy. You continue to amaze and impress me. You have new "tricks" every day.
Daddy is at a show in the city tonight for a well-deserved night out. I wasn't ready to leave you for that long, but I've been relaxing at home. We had your grandparents over for chili and am now relaxing with you on the bed. You are wide awake and so much fun to relax with. I filed your nails, gave you some infant massage with olive oil cream. Now you are just staring at me and sucking away on your paci. You remind me of Maggie Simpson. I know I'll need nights out too at some point, but tonight I'm enjoying and savoring time in with you. I love you so much.
Two months ago you were born and just look at all that has happened. Look how far you've come. Baby, you amaze me.
I love you.
Love,
Mama
Happy two months!! I can't believe the big girl you are becoming!! Now you have officially been home more than you've been in the hospital. Amazing!! Finally. Unfortunately, this means my maternity leave is almost over. I'm so sad at the thought of leaving you, but it's a sacrifice that I only hope you will understand. I hope I can work from home parttime. I am doing what I need to do so that you may have a good life. I want to make sure we have healthcare. I am doing what I have to. Please know that you are on my mind all the time, and I hate being apart from you. I know I will savor those times together even more, and I will always hold you close to me. It will be challenging because ever since I started this job, I was pregnant. You were always with me. I would take long walks at lunchtime, walk around Madison Avenue, upper east side, near the water. I would window shop, people watch, stroll through Central Park. I would touch my tummy and talk to you. I know you loved these walks because you would move all over the place and kick me often. I felt so close to you. This will be the first time I will be doing these walks without you. You are forever in my heart, so I will carry you with me in that way.
As I type you are in your Beco Gemini carrier, snuggling against me. You are sucking away on your paci, and it feels almost like breastfeeding! Haha. Still hoping you can do that one day. Your swallow test keeps getting moved, and now with returning to work I'm not sure how I can do it. You need to do it so you can have this tube removed!! You are making so much progress. You took 140 mL at one feeding today!! That's insane. And in like 20 minutes. You are so alert, more and more awake each day. You look for Daddy and me when you hear our voices. You like to try to grab toys. You enjoy tummy time on the Boppy. You continue to amaze and impress me. You have new "tricks" every day.
Daddy is at a show in the city tonight for a well-deserved night out. I wasn't ready to leave you for that long, but I've been relaxing at home. We had your grandparents over for chili and am now relaxing with you on the bed. You are wide awake and so much fun to relax with. I filed your nails, gave you some infant massage with olive oil cream. Now you are just staring at me and sucking away on your paci. You remind me of Maggie Simpson. I know I'll need nights out too at some point, but tonight I'm enjoying and savoring time in with you. I love you so much.
Two months ago you were born and just look at all that has happened. Look how far you've come. Baby, you amaze me.
I love you.
Love,
Mama
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
November 9, 2010
Dear Lucia,
I never did make it back on the other day. You distract me. You are too cute. I can't believe you are 8 weeks old already. You are making so much progress each day. You are taking more and more full bottles of milk! You eagerly want this tube out of your nose! You pull it out often, but also, you are eager to take more bottles. You root all the time, even on Daddy's nose! You are showing so many signs that you are a healthy, active baby. You are awake more and more during the day, and I love it. You have hours where you are wide-eyed, staring at me. You love tummy time on the Boppy pillow - the other day you were reaching for toys within reach. You love to practice lifting your head up. You do this when I hold you, and you are getting stronger. You love your activity mat - you are so engaged and curious. You continue to love your bouncer. Anything that vibrates and plays soft music is your comfort zone.
I love being home with you. We took a nice walk today in the sunshine. So far this autumn is beautifully mild. We have a nice stretch of sunny warm days ahead. I look forward to more walks. I'm so glad that I'm no longer bleeding and my body feels stronger. We walked for a good hour today which I needed. You stayed awake for half of the time, but you fell asleep for the ride home. You woke up briefly to cry and then stared at me, confused, not recognizing me with sunglasses on. Then you fell asleep again. You are such an easygoing baby! I love your being awake more - you sit and watch me pump after your bottle. You are probably wondering what I'm doing and why you can't just get your milk from the source directly. Hopefully... you are making such strides. We have another appointment with a feeding team tomorrow and I hope we have good news. You are doing so well. I'm nervous about leaving you to go back to work. I hate the idea of leaving you and I hope I can work from home. Even if I'm working, I can be near you and feed you, take you to doctors' appointments. You are such a strong little girl, and you give me strength. I know we've been through so much, and we can make it through anything together, you and I. I know that, and yet, I'm heartbroken about being separated from you. I'm trying next week to start little outings as trials. It doesn't hurt that one of my outings is for a massage that your Daddy had gotten me for Valentine's Day. I need a massage so it should be easy to get me out for that. I know we can handle it.
I'm excited about spending the holidays with you. I am shopping for cute holiday dresses for you, my little princess. Every day is Christmas with you around. I have all that I need now that you're home and healthy. That is all I wanted. When it seemed you it wouldn't make it, all I wanted is for you to come home with me. It sounds corny, but it's true. Having you home is the best thing in the world and is all I could want in the world. I can't think of anything aside from losing my pregnancy weight that would make me happy. I wake up every morning to your face. Being home with you on my maternity leave and spending time with you has been such a joy to me. Having fun days just taking care of you is amazing. I enjoy every second we have together, even if I have a busy day like today. I finally ordered a baby carrier and it will be easier to go out with the pugs on walks, tote you around the house to clean. I can hold you close to me, which I love.
Ok, you are waking up, and I need to eat dinner. I am so proud of you, and I love you so much. You are so beautiful, and your smile is all I need to get through any tough times. I have been hormonal and emotional and postpartum times ten, but you calm me, center me. Whenever things feel overwhelming, all I need is to hold you. Everything slows down and all that is important is that you are here with me.
I love you, Lucia!!
Love, Mama
I never did make it back on the other day. You distract me. You are too cute. I can't believe you are 8 weeks old already. You are making so much progress each day. You are taking more and more full bottles of milk! You eagerly want this tube out of your nose! You pull it out often, but also, you are eager to take more bottles. You root all the time, even on Daddy's nose! You are showing so many signs that you are a healthy, active baby. You are awake more and more during the day, and I love it. You have hours where you are wide-eyed, staring at me. You love tummy time on the Boppy pillow - the other day you were reaching for toys within reach. You love to practice lifting your head up. You do this when I hold you, and you are getting stronger. You love your activity mat - you are so engaged and curious. You continue to love your bouncer. Anything that vibrates and plays soft music is your comfort zone.
I love being home with you. We took a nice walk today in the sunshine. So far this autumn is beautifully mild. We have a nice stretch of sunny warm days ahead. I look forward to more walks. I'm so glad that I'm no longer bleeding and my body feels stronger. We walked for a good hour today which I needed. You stayed awake for half of the time, but you fell asleep for the ride home. You woke up briefly to cry and then stared at me, confused, not recognizing me with sunglasses on. Then you fell asleep again. You are such an easygoing baby! I love your being awake more - you sit and watch me pump after your bottle. You are probably wondering what I'm doing and why you can't just get your milk from the source directly. Hopefully... you are making such strides. We have another appointment with a feeding team tomorrow and I hope we have good news. You are doing so well. I'm nervous about leaving you to go back to work. I hate the idea of leaving you and I hope I can work from home. Even if I'm working, I can be near you and feed you, take you to doctors' appointments. You are such a strong little girl, and you give me strength. I know we've been through so much, and we can make it through anything together, you and I. I know that, and yet, I'm heartbroken about being separated from you. I'm trying next week to start little outings as trials. It doesn't hurt that one of my outings is for a massage that your Daddy had gotten me for Valentine's Day. I need a massage so it should be easy to get me out for that. I know we can handle it.
I'm excited about spending the holidays with you. I am shopping for cute holiday dresses for you, my little princess. Every day is Christmas with you around. I have all that I need now that you're home and healthy. That is all I wanted. When it seemed you it wouldn't make it, all I wanted is for you to come home with me. It sounds corny, but it's true. Having you home is the best thing in the world and is all I could want in the world. I can't think of anything aside from losing my pregnancy weight that would make me happy. I wake up every morning to your face. Being home with you on my maternity leave and spending time with you has been such a joy to me. Having fun days just taking care of you is amazing. I enjoy every second we have together, even if I have a busy day like today. I finally ordered a baby carrier and it will be easier to go out with the pugs on walks, tote you around the house to clean. I can hold you close to me, which I love.
Ok, you are waking up, and I need to eat dinner. I am so proud of you, and I love you so much. You are so beautiful, and your smile is all I need to get through any tough times. I have been hormonal and emotional and postpartum times ten, but you calm me, center me. Whenever things feel overwhelming, all I need is to hold you. Everything slows down and all that is important is that you are here with me.
I love you, Lucia!!
Love, Mama
Saturday, November 6, 2010
November 6, 2010
Dear Lucia,
5 years ago your daddy proposed to me. He got down on one knee on a warm autumn night in Washington DC and would you believe he was so interested in starting a family that he mentioned having a baby in the proposal? 2005 marked the year of your father becoming officially baby crazy. It never let up from that point on. :) Now you are here and you must know we have thought about you for 5 years!
You continue to amaze me. You took 80 mL at two feedings today by bottle. :) You must really want that tube out. You are such a strong and motivated baby. Today you were alert and awake so much. We lay on the bed and you were on the Boppy, doing tummy time, reaching for toys I'd placed near you. You grabbed them. You are very curious and alert, always wanting to grab things! You love to grab my hair when I hold you. I'll write more in a minute - you want to cuddle right now, and so do I!
5 years ago your daddy proposed to me. He got down on one knee on a warm autumn night in Washington DC and would you believe he was so interested in starting a family that he mentioned having a baby in the proposal? 2005 marked the year of your father becoming officially baby crazy. It never let up from that point on. :) Now you are here and you must know we have thought about you for 5 years!
You continue to amaze me. You took 80 mL at two feedings today by bottle. :) You must really want that tube out. You are such a strong and motivated baby. Today you were alert and awake so much. We lay on the bed and you were on the Boppy, doing tummy time, reaching for toys I'd placed near you. You grabbed them. You are very curious and alert, always wanting to grab things! You love to grab my hair when I hold you. I'll write more in a minute - you want to cuddle right now, and so do I!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
November 3, 2010
Dear Lucia,
Sometimes days fly by so fast that I hardly have time to write in this! You are 7.5 weeks old now and you are so amazing, changing every day. Lately you are VERY into pulling your tube out. I really hope we can take it out for good soon. You are meeting with a speech therapist soon and hopefully they can work on your swallow. You took so many bottles today!! You took 55 mL at 9, entire 80 at noon, and 45 around 3. You get frustrated because the milk is thickened but you keep plugging along. We just need to re-do the swallow study so you can take regular milk. I still hold out the hope that you can breastfeed one day. I hope so. You are always rooting, trying to feed. I know the desire is there.
Your hair is still brown, but getting lighter every day. I wonder if you will be a blond. One thing is for sure, you will be a heartbreaker. You are so beautiful. We love to take advantage when your tube is out and take photos of you. You are such a pretty baby. I love spoiling you and I look forward to things like Christmas stockings and party dresses and patent leather mary janes.
You are an amazing little baby, and I am still adjusting to the fact that you are here. Every morning I wake up and I'm amazed. At night, you are alert and you look me straight in the eye, wide-eyed. You smile!! You give me the most beautiful wide-eyed smiles. You know I'm your mom and that I love you so much.
I don't want to go back to work, ever. I want to spend every minute with you! Days are so busy that we don't always get quiet time together. I savor every single minute we have.
I love you!!
Love, Mama
Sometimes days fly by so fast that I hardly have time to write in this! You are 7.5 weeks old now and you are so amazing, changing every day. Lately you are VERY into pulling your tube out. I really hope we can take it out for good soon. You are meeting with a speech therapist soon and hopefully they can work on your swallow. You took so many bottles today!! You took 55 mL at 9, entire 80 at noon, and 45 around 3. You get frustrated because the milk is thickened but you keep plugging along. We just need to re-do the swallow study so you can take regular milk. I still hold out the hope that you can breastfeed one day. I hope so. You are always rooting, trying to feed. I know the desire is there.
Your hair is still brown, but getting lighter every day. I wonder if you will be a blond. One thing is for sure, you will be a heartbreaker. You are so beautiful. We love to take advantage when your tube is out and take photos of you. You are such a pretty baby. I love spoiling you and I look forward to things like Christmas stockings and party dresses and patent leather mary janes.
You are an amazing little baby, and I am still adjusting to the fact that you are here. Every morning I wake up and I'm amazed. At night, you are alert and you look me straight in the eye, wide-eyed. You smile!! You give me the most beautiful wide-eyed smiles. You know I'm your mom and that I love you so much.
I don't want to go back to work, ever. I want to spend every minute with you! Days are so busy that we don't always get quiet time together. I savor every single minute we have.
I love you!!
Love, Mama
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
October 26, 2010
Dear Lucia,
Today was a trying day! You are convinced you don't need the tube. You pull it out constantly. We had thought we'd never be able to change your tube and here we are re-inserting it as much as 4x a day! Curious baby fingers that are really into grasping lately do not work well with tubes on faces! You get upset when you are set up for a tube feed after a bottle, like why are we feeding you with that stupid thing. You hate it. You get so fussy and start angrily scratching at your face. It is so hard to watch. We hate that tube too!! I know you will do better with your swallow - you are interested in taking a bottle. You love it. It's just the thickened milk that tires you and bogs you down. I am trying to get a follow up appointment with a feeding team to see if you are still aspirating into your lungs. I am sure you are making strides. I hope this means the tube will be a distant memory soon. Today was torturous having to re-insert it so many times. You are a very calm baby for the most part, so seeing you get so worked up is painful for me. It makes me cry. We've been through so much - I just want to see things become easier for you.
That said, I love doing the average mom things. It's hard because people want to help me but I WANT to do it. I will be going back to work eventually and I won't be home as much. I want to do all of the mom stuff - spit up, diapers, feeding, burping, cradling, bathing. I won't have as much free time, and I'll need more help, but for now, since I'm home, I love taking care of you. It is tiring, and we have extra steps that other moms/babies don't have, but I LOVE being the one to do these things for you. I look at your face and I'm amazed by you. I am still in awe that you're here, six weeks later, that you're home. You seem to be doing so well. We had someone come by to do a developmental assessment and you seem on target. I can't wait to see all the things you will accomplish and all of the milestones you'll reach. I know you will be a rock star. You already are.
I love you.
Love, Mama
Today was a trying day! You are convinced you don't need the tube. You pull it out constantly. We had thought we'd never be able to change your tube and here we are re-inserting it as much as 4x a day! Curious baby fingers that are really into grasping lately do not work well with tubes on faces! You get upset when you are set up for a tube feed after a bottle, like why are we feeding you with that stupid thing. You hate it. You get so fussy and start angrily scratching at your face. It is so hard to watch. We hate that tube too!! I know you will do better with your swallow - you are interested in taking a bottle. You love it. It's just the thickened milk that tires you and bogs you down. I am trying to get a follow up appointment with a feeding team to see if you are still aspirating into your lungs. I am sure you are making strides. I hope this means the tube will be a distant memory soon. Today was torturous having to re-insert it so many times. You are a very calm baby for the most part, so seeing you get so worked up is painful for me. It makes me cry. We've been through so much - I just want to see things become easier for you.
That said, I love doing the average mom things. It's hard because people want to help me but I WANT to do it. I will be going back to work eventually and I won't be home as much. I want to do all of the mom stuff - spit up, diapers, feeding, burping, cradling, bathing. I won't have as much free time, and I'll need more help, but for now, since I'm home, I love taking care of you. It is tiring, and we have extra steps that other moms/babies don't have, but I LOVE being the one to do these things for you. I look at your face and I'm amazed by you. I am still in awe that you're here, six weeks later, that you're home. You seem to be doing so well. We had someone come by to do a developmental assessment and you seem on target. I can't wait to see all the things you will accomplish and all of the milestones you'll reach. I know you will be a rock star. You already are.
I love you.
Love, Mama
Sunday, October 24, 2010
October 24, 2010
Dear Lucia,
Your father and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary on the 21st. Do you know when he proposed to me a huge part of his proposal was an expression of how he wanted so badly to have a baby, to have a family of our own? He proposed on 11/5/05, and we knew we wanted a family for so long. Finally it feels complete to have you here. Yes, pets outnumber humans in our house. They probably always will. I'm sure you'll be an animal lover like we are. You seem curious about the pugs and cats now, and I'm sure you'll be fast friends when you are older. You are such an amazing addition to our family. We have everything we need. We have waited for you for so long, and you're here!! Every day feels like Christmas. I wake up and you are sleeping soundly next to me, and I peek in on you often. Or you are wide eyed and awake. I turn on your little bassinet light and you are laying there looking at me. You are not fussy for the most part. You are so easygoing and calm. You are very curious in your feeding tube, however. I cannot WAIT for this to come out. It's got to go! We want to take you to so many places but it's more complicated because of your feeding. I hope one day I can breastfeed you. I'm staying hopeful. It's one thing you've taught me, it's to be hopeful and to believe in things you'd never think were possible.
Early intervention from NJ is coming tomorrow to assess you and see if you have any special needs. I think they will find you to be the picture of good health. Your pediatrician sure seems to think so. I'm not going to worry. I'm watching a video my friend Tish made of you, a tribute to your life so far, to the miracle that is you. I can't believe the ride we've had so far, you and me. I never gave up hope on you, and I am so glad. I think my love and my faith in you had a huge part in your healing. I touched you,held your hand, kissed you, talked to you. I never left your side. I know you were aware of that. These are things which baffle doctors - they don't know how/why you turned around. So Early intervention is coming because of the severity of your HIE and your traumatic birth. They will be surprised too. They won't believe that love healed and saved you. You healed and saved me.
I love you so much. You are more and more beautiful and alert each day.
Love, Mama
Your father and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary on the 21st. Do you know when he proposed to me a huge part of his proposal was an expression of how he wanted so badly to have a baby, to have a family of our own? He proposed on 11/5/05, and we knew we wanted a family for so long. Finally it feels complete to have you here. Yes, pets outnumber humans in our house. They probably always will. I'm sure you'll be an animal lover like we are. You seem curious about the pugs and cats now, and I'm sure you'll be fast friends when you are older. You are such an amazing addition to our family. We have everything we need. We have waited for you for so long, and you're here!! Every day feels like Christmas. I wake up and you are sleeping soundly next to me, and I peek in on you often. Or you are wide eyed and awake. I turn on your little bassinet light and you are laying there looking at me. You are not fussy for the most part. You are so easygoing and calm. You are very curious in your feeding tube, however. I cannot WAIT for this to come out. It's got to go! We want to take you to so many places but it's more complicated because of your feeding. I hope one day I can breastfeed you. I'm staying hopeful. It's one thing you've taught me, it's to be hopeful and to believe in things you'd never think were possible.
Early intervention from NJ is coming tomorrow to assess you and see if you have any special needs. I think they will find you to be the picture of good health. Your pediatrician sure seems to think so. I'm not going to worry. I'm watching a video my friend Tish made of you, a tribute to your life so far, to the miracle that is you. I can't believe the ride we've had so far, you and me. I never gave up hope on you, and I am so glad. I think my love and my faith in you had a huge part in your healing. I touched you,held your hand, kissed you, talked to you. I never left your side. I know you were aware of that. These are things which baffle doctors - they don't know how/why you turned around. So Early intervention is coming because of the severity of your HIE and your traumatic birth. They will be surprised too. They won't believe that love healed and saved you. You healed and saved me.
I love you so much. You are more and more beautiful and alert each day.
Love, Mama
Monday, October 18, 2010
October 18, 2010
Dear Lucia,
You continue to amaze me. In all of the pictures we take lately, you look so beautiful, so alert. That's the word that everyone uses: alert. You are wide-eyed, interested in your surroundings, engaged. You are everything that the doctors didn't think you would be. I again was thinking back on the past 5 weeks, and I'm amazed by you. I can't believe how far we've come these past 5 weeks. Taking a nap with you today, you were very interested in using your hands. You kept distracting yourself. You like pulling my hair, touching my face, trying to root/suck on my fingers. You are using your activity mat. You love taking in all that is around you. I'm struck by how beautiful you are. I was just telling your daddy that we are going to have our hands full when you are a teenager.
I love you baby.
Love, Mama
You continue to amaze me. In all of the pictures we take lately, you look so beautiful, so alert. That's the word that everyone uses: alert. You are wide-eyed, interested in your surroundings, engaged. You are everything that the doctors didn't think you would be. I again was thinking back on the past 5 weeks, and I'm amazed by you. I can't believe how far we've come these past 5 weeks. Taking a nap with you today, you were very interested in using your hands. You kept distracting yourself. You like pulling my hair, touching my face, trying to root/suck on my fingers. You are using your activity mat. You love taking in all that is around you. I'm struck by how beautiful you are. I was just telling your daddy that we are going to have our hands full when you are a teenager.
I love you baby.
Love, Mama
Thursday, October 14, 2010
October 14, 2010
Dear Lucia,
Wow, having you home is so much fun! It's a lot of work but I'm not as tired as I'd thought I'd be. You really sleep well through the night. You are on scheduled feedings every 3 hours so it's a little easier than other babies. You don't wake me up hungry and if you're sleeping, you don't notice your diaper is wet. When you awaken though, you are pretty upset if you find out you are sitting in poop! You really don't fuss that much at all. You are a very content, laid back little girl. You cry your eyes out during most diaper changes, but the second you are back in clean diaper and clothes on, you look at me wide-eyed and relaxed, like "oh ok, that wasn't so bad after all." You had your first bath at home the other night, and Daddy and I had so much fun setting it up, however, you screamed during that whole time as well. You don't like being naked and cold. Afterwards, we bundled you up in a towel and you were so warm and snuggly, smelling so sweet, and you were the coziest bundle ever. Even as much as you fussed and cried, afterwards, you were calm and relaxed.
You had your first pediatrician visit on Tuesday night. The word she used over and over again to describe you was "phenomenal", meaning if she didn't know you had been through this ordeal she never would have guessed judging by your exam. She said you look wonderful and healthy. These are all the things Daddy and I need to hear. This is music to our ears. You have to know that I was a little nervous going to the doctor's. After spending the past month in the hospital, I'm pretty sick of doctors, and I was a little scared to see what they'd have to say. I couldn't take any bad news. Lucky for me, I didn't have to. They only had amazing things to say about you. You continue to be a miracle and baffle doctors.
You ARE making milestones every day. It's amazing. You are really into holding your head up when I hold you on my chest. You love following my voice from across the room. You love to grab at things, including your pacifier as you hold it in your mouth. Showoff! :) You love tracking objects in bright and contrasting colors. You love your bouncer, the vibration and the ocean sounds very much calm you. I wonder if it reminds you of my womb. You love music, or at least you seem to be calmed by classical music. I wonder if you remember it?
You are such a beautiful little girl, and I marvel at you every day. I love you so much and am so happy to have you home with me and your Daddy. Our wedding anniversary is next week, and I couldn't think of a better gift for both of us than having you home with us!! We love you so much, Lucia.
Love, Mama
Wow, having you home is so much fun! It's a lot of work but I'm not as tired as I'd thought I'd be. You really sleep well through the night. You are on scheduled feedings every 3 hours so it's a little easier than other babies. You don't wake me up hungry and if you're sleeping, you don't notice your diaper is wet. When you awaken though, you are pretty upset if you find out you are sitting in poop! You really don't fuss that much at all. You are a very content, laid back little girl. You cry your eyes out during most diaper changes, but the second you are back in clean diaper and clothes on, you look at me wide-eyed and relaxed, like "oh ok, that wasn't so bad after all." You had your first bath at home the other night, and Daddy and I had so much fun setting it up, however, you screamed during that whole time as well. You don't like being naked and cold. Afterwards, we bundled you up in a towel and you were so warm and snuggly, smelling so sweet, and you were the coziest bundle ever. Even as much as you fussed and cried, afterwards, you were calm and relaxed.
You had your first pediatrician visit on Tuesday night. The word she used over and over again to describe you was "phenomenal", meaning if she didn't know you had been through this ordeal she never would have guessed judging by your exam. She said you look wonderful and healthy. These are all the things Daddy and I need to hear. This is music to our ears. You have to know that I was a little nervous going to the doctor's. After spending the past month in the hospital, I'm pretty sick of doctors, and I was a little scared to see what they'd have to say. I couldn't take any bad news. Lucky for me, I didn't have to. They only had amazing things to say about you. You continue to be a miracle and baffle doctors.
You ARE making milestones every day. It's amazing. You are really into holding your head up when I hold you on my chest. You love following my voice from across the room. You love to grab at things, including your pacifier as you hold it in your mouth. Showoff! :) You love tracking objects in bright and contrasting colors. You love your bouncer, the vibration and the ocean sounds very much calm you. I wonder if it reminds you of my womb. You love music, or at least you seem to be calmed by classical music. I wonder if you remember it?
You are such a beautiful little girl, and I marvel at you every day. I love you so much and am so happy to have you home with me and your Daddy. Our wedding anniversary is next week, and I couldn't think of a better gift for both of us than having you home with us!! We love you so much, Lucia.
Love, Mama
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
October 12, 2010
Dear Lucia,
I haven't written in a few days because I've been busy now that you're home! They told us Friday morning that you could come home on Sunday, 10/10/10 (what a lucky number!). We had a lot to learn so we could take care of you well. You are still feeding on the NG tube but you took 15 mL by bottle last night with daddy! I'm so proud of you. We will work with you on the bottle and every day you will get stronger and you can do it. Now you are home. You had your first bath last night. We are getting to enjoy the things we've waited so long to do with you! I enjoy just sitting with you in the middle of the night and even though you're on the tube and I'm breast pumping, it is nice just to sit in the quiet, the two of us. I'm glad to just be with you and touch you. I'm so overwhelmed. 4 weeks ago yesterday you were born and I didn't think I would have these opportunities. I'm so blessed. You are such a wonderful little angel baby. I have a hard time reading your discharge papers because I see how sick you were at birth, how low your Apgar scores were (2 and 7!). I don't want to dwell on those things though, because you are so much stronger and healthier now. They wouldn't have let you come home to me if you weren't. It is hard to see what you went through though. But you are so amazing and resilient. You have your first pediatric visit tonight! I look forward to you passing all your milestones gracefully and with the strength that you display over and over again. I am stronger because I am your mama. I couldn't be more proud of you, and you give me strength every day.
I'm so happy to be home with you and just sit with you. I love you.
Love, Mama
I haven't written in a few days because I've been busy now that you're home! They told us Friday morning that you could come home on Sunday, 10/10/10 (what a lucky number!). We had a lot to learn so we could take care of you well. You are still feeding on the NG tube but you took 15 mL by bottle last night with daddy! I'm so proud of you. We will work with you on the bottle and every day you will get stronger and you can do it. Now you are home. You had your first bath last night. We are getting to enjoy the things we've waited so long to do with you! I enjoy just sitting with you in the middle of the night and even though you're on the tube and I'm breast pumping, it is nice just to sit in the quiet, the two of us. I'm glad to just be with you and touch you. I'm so overwhelmed. 4 weeks ago yesterday you were born and I didn't think I would have these opportunities. I'm so blessed. You are such a wonderful little angel baby. I have a hard time reading your discharge papers because I see how sick you were at birth, how low your Apgar scores were (2 and 7!). I don't want to dwell on those things though, because you are so much stronger and healthier now. They wouldn't have let you come home to me if you weren't. It is hard to see what you went through though. But you are so amazing and resilient. You have your first pediatric visit tonight! I look forward to you passing all your milestones gracefully and with the strength that you display over and over again. I am stronger because I am your mama. I couldn't be more proud of you, and you give me strength every day.
I'm so happy to be home with you and just sit with you. I love you.
Love, Mama
Friday, October 8, 2010
October 8, 2010
Dear Lucia,
Well, today the doctors told me they want you to go home on Sunday. I'm very nervous and scared. I feel responsible in a way that this happened to you. You were safe and sound in my womb and something happened and I couldn't protect you. Everyone in the world can tell me not to feel guilty but I will. I can't help it. I'm your mother. You were inside of me and I should have saved you. And I couldn't have, and it feels horrible.
That said, of course I am proud of you my little angel. I remember thinking that you would not make it until I got there from my hospital to see you. You and I were in separate states hours after you'd left the place where you lived for almost a year: my uterus. You were warm and cozy in there and you were ripped out and thrown into cold sterile hospital rooms. You needed blood transfusions, plasma, platelets. You were given very little chance of surviving. You confuse doctors with your current strong state. No one understands how this happened. The same doctor who told me over the phone that I needed to hurry to you because you were very critical, couldn't tell me anything positive about you at all was the one who stood beside me last night and shook her head and smiled. She doesn't have words for your recovery. She doesn't get it. By all of their measures you shouldn't have made it. You are an angel and you have only gotten stronger each day!
You did aspirate milk into your lungs and had a swallow study. Apparently it's common for babies in NICU who have had problems breathing to do this. The swallow reflex is weakened. We have a few extra steps to your care as you come home and I'm nervous but I'm sure I can do it. I'm your mom - I will gain my strength and courage from you. I look at how strong you are and I have to gain some strength from it. You are amazing. All you do is prove people wrong, fight overwhelming odds. I will learn from you. You will give me courage and strength as you have all along. We have a special bond, you and I. I love you, my darling angel.
Love, Mama
Well, today the doctors told me they want you to go home on Sunday. I'm very nervous and scared. I feel responsible in a way that this happened to you. You were safe and sound in my womb and something happened and I couldn't protect you. Everyone in the world can tell me not to feel guilty but I will. I can't help it. I'm your mother. You were inside of me and I should have saved you. And I couldn't have, and it feels horrible.
That said, of course I am proud of you my little angel. I remember thinking that you would not make it until I got there from my hospital to see you. You and I were in separate states hours after you'd left the place where you lived for almost a year: my uterus. You were warm and cozy in there and you were ripped out and thrown into cold sterile hospital rooms. You needed blood transfusions, plasma, platelets. You were given very little chance of surviving. You confuse doctors with your current strong state. No one understands how this happened. The same doctor who told me over the phone that I needed to hurry to you because you were very critical, couldn't tell me anything positive about you at all was the one who stood beside me last night and shook her head and smiled. She doesn't have words for your recovery. She doesn't get it. By all of their measures you shouldn't have made it. You are an angel and you have only gotten stronger each day!
You did aspirate milk into your lungs and had a swallow study. Apparently it's common for babies in NICU who have had problems breathing to do this. The swallow reflex is weakened. We have a few extra steps to your care as you come home and I'm nervous but I'm sure I can do it. I'm your mom - I will gain my strength and courage from you. I look at how strong you are and I have to gain some strength from it. You are amazing. All you do is prove people wrong, fight overwhelming odds. I will learn from you. You will give me courage and strength as you have all along. We have a special bond, you and I. I love you, my darling angel.
Love, Mama
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
October 5, 2010
Dear Lucia,
Today you tried your hand at a bottle again. You had a little difficulty with the second nipple. I have faith that you will take to it like a pro. You're only 3 weeks old and I have no doubts that you will learn and thrive. This, I'm told, is the only thing keeping you in the hospital - you need to eat, to take bottle or breast. You did such an amazing job with the pacifier. We tried pacifier dips with breastmilk to peak your interest. Sometimes you did a great job and sometimes you lost interest. You are so strong. You can totally do this. When I come into the room each morning, all I hear is good news. I am spoiled by your progress. You are sleeping through the night. You are easily consolable and not fussy. I am sure this is your demeanor and not the fact that you are still on some sedation. You are an easygoing baby. Your cry is still soft, but you are working on it. You have so much to say.
Talking of you going home? Wow. I sat and held you and felt amazement. 3 weeks ago we weren't sure you'd make it. I was trying to prepare to say goodbye to you, to make difficult decisions.
Thanks for proving everyone wrong! I love you.
Love, Mama
Today you tried your hand at a bottle again. You had a little difficulty with the second nipple. I have faith that you will take to it like a pro. You're only 3 weeks old and I have no doubts that you will learn and thrive. This, I'm told, is the only thing keeping you in the hospital - you need to eat, to take bottle or breast. You did such an amazing job with the pacifier. We tried pacifier dips with breastmilk to peak your interest. Sometimes you did a great job and sometimes you lost interest. You are so strong. You can totally do this. When I come into the room each morning, all I hear is good news. I am spoiled by your progress. You are sleeping through the night. You are easily consolable and not fussy. I am sure this is your demeanor and not the fact that you are still on some sedation. You are an easygoing baby. Your cry is still soft, but you are working on it. You have so much to say.
Talking of you going home? Wow. I sat and held you and felt amazement. 3 weeks ago we weren't sure you'd make it. I was trying to prepare to say goodbye to you, to make difficult decisions.
Thanks for proving everyone wrong! I love you.
Love, Mama
Monday, October 4, 2010
October 4, 2010
Dear Lucia,
Today was another big day! I am trying to keep up with all of your tricks so I can document them. I can't believe that today, around the same time you were born, you reached another huge milestone! You were able to suck on a pacifier with a little of my milk on it. You worked with a speech therapist on your sucking motions. The doctors were worried that you didn't have a gag reflex but you definitely do! How could they tell anyway with that tube down your throat? I'm pretty sure you did gag; you threw up quite a few times, after all. Next, after you mastered the pacifier, you showed us how you can drink milk from the bottle too!! You are so amazing - you drank 30 mL of milk! I get to give you another bottle tomorow and then eventually you can breastfeed, once we establish that you can swallow and not gag or throw up.
I can't believe it's only been three weeks since your birth. I do celebrate every week because every week is a gift. Every day is. I'm still blown away that you are here, fighting, making me proud, showing the doctors. 3 weeks ago we weren't sure you'd make it through the night. I wasn't sure of anything. Now here you are, showing everyone you are the boss, you are strong, you are a force to be reckoned with.
I feel pain when I have to leave you at night. You were crying when I left tonight. There are not enough hours in the day. I just want to hold you and kiss you and make up for all the pain of your birth, make up for all the lost time. It may seem short, a couple of weeks, but I feel I have to. I look at you and I well up in tears. I hate that you went through all this at such a younge age. I know it's not my fault, but I'm so sorry. I hate that you had to endure this. You look back at me as if to say that it's ok, you're tough, you're strong, you can handle it. I love you, and I am so sorry that you went through this. I will spend the rest of my life making up for this partly because I feel bad and partly because I will never take a second of time with you for granted. This has been such an emotional roller coaster, the past three weeks. I'm glad you are doing so well and there is a light at the end of it all. I try to focus on that when I get overwhelmed. I can easily cry from joy as easily as I can cry from sadness these days.
I love you! You keep fighting, Lucia!
Love, Mama
Today was another big day! I am trying to keep up with all of your tricks so I can document them. I can't believe that today, around the same time you were born, you reached another huge milestone! You were able to suck on a pacifier with a little of my milk on it. You worked with a speech therapist on your sucking motions. The doctors were worried that you didn't have a gag reflex but you definitely do! How could they tell anyway with that tube down your throat? I'm pretty sure you did gag; you threw up quite a few times, after all. Next, after you mastered the pacifier, you showed us how you can drink milk from the bottle too!! You are so amazing - you drank 30 mL of milk! I get to give you another bottle tomorow and then eventually you can breastfeed, once we establish that you can swallow and not gag or throw up.
I can't believe it's only been three weeks since your birth. I do celebrate every week because every week is a gift. Every day is. I'm still blown away that you are here, fighting, making me proud, showing the doctors. 3 weeks ago we weren't sure you'd make it through the night. I wasn't sure of anything. Now here you are, showing everyone you are the boss, you are strong, you are a force to be reckoned with.
I feel pain when I have to leave you at night. You were crying when I left tonight. There are not enough hours in the day. I just want to hold you and kiss you and make up for all the pain of your birth, make up for all the lost time. It may seem short, a couple of weeks, but I feel I have to. I look at you and I well up in tears. I hate that you went through all this at such a younge age. I know it's not my fault, but I'm so sorry. I hate that you had to endure this. You look back at me as if to say that it's ok, you're tough, you're strong, you can handle it. I love you, and I am so sorry that you went through this. I will spend the rest of my life making up for this partly because I feel bad and partly because I will never take a second of time with you for granted. This has been such an emotional roller coaster, the past three weeks. I'm glad you are doing so well and there is a light at the end of it all. I try to focus on that when I get overwhelmed. I can easily cry from joy as easily as I can cry from sadness these days.
I love you! You keep fighting, Lucia!
Love, Mama
Sunday, October 3, 2010
October 3, 2010
Dear Lucia,
Wow, you are almost three weeks old! I can't believe it's only been three weeks. So much has happened. You have come so far. We have come so far. You have taught me so much about strength, faith, love. You have taught me what it means to love. I could sit here and reflect on all the things I could have done differently and wonder if things would have turned out differently, but you have filled me with such strength and courage that I never thought was possible. You've given me renewed sense of optimism despite such overwhelming circumstances. I am not an optimist, usually.
See, your daddy and I have hit some tough times in our lives, and these tend to be the periods that test us, our wills. We have, however, gained such strength, individually and as a couple during these times. You are a little angel. You will never know how you have brought people together who otherwise had drifted apart. You gave me hope when I had none at all. This is the toughest thing your daddy and I have gone through in our lives - the thought of losing you is the scariest thing I can imagine. To see you suffer or go through any pain is beyond heartbreak. You are the most beautiful little baby ever, and I'm not just saying that because you're ours. Your birth was beautiful no matter how scary it was. Your daddy and I held hands and looked in each other's eyes. I was so numb from the spinal that I didn't know they had started my surgery. He rushed in to make it in time for your arrival. He was still in a suit and I was so relieved to see him and it was funny to see him in blue hospital scrubs. I'm not ready to relive the pain and fear that followed because right now, I want to focus on the blessing, the joy. You are named after light and hope. Doctors kept asking if your name came after your birth, but it didn't. Your name was well planned. We are so grateful for you and you have given us so much in the three weeks since you were born. You have taught us what it means to truly love someone with your whole entire being. You have given us a deeper love for each other and strength that I never thought possible. You are the strength I need to keep going. I see you and I can't feel sad, I can't feel weakness. I can only feel pure love and joy, no matter what. No matter that I'm holding you with tubes and hospital furniture and beeping machines. You are so beautiful and I'm so proud to be your mother. I will say this probably one thousand times throughout this blog, because I am so very proud of you, Lucia. You will probably never comprehend how much, and this is why I need to repeat it often.
Lucia, this is why I can't focus on the negative - you were the light and hope of our lives before you were born. We all seemed to sense that you were a girl. :) Whenever we'd have an ultrasound, your daddy and I were so amazed to see you, we'd treasure those moments, those little glimpses at you. You brought so much joy to us (that was the other middle name choice I loved, Joy) and gave us so much to look forward to. We could not even (and can't still to this day) wrap our heads around the idea that you were in my belly, that we'd FINALLY have a baby. Every time we'd see you on the ultrasound and see your chubby cheeks or your cute little feet we were blown away. It felt so surreal. I remember your heart ultrasound, seeing how strong and steady it was and feeling so connected to you, seeing your strength symbolized in that solid heartbeat.
Tomorrow it will be three weeks since your birth. I can't believe it has only been three weeks. So much has happened - You've blown everyone away. You have a whole following on facebook - do you even know that? You're a diva at <3 weeks. I cannot express my gratitude to everyone for support because this has been a rollercoaster, and I couldn't make it through without their love and kindness. This has been a long road, but I like that there is a light at the end of the tunnel now. You are that light - you've been flickering quietly this whole time, and now you are burning brightly, strong, healthy, a force to be reckoned with. Some day I will write more about your birth but I don't want to dwell on any pain right now. Because one day, I will take you home and all of this will be a distant memory - the pain part anyway. I will never forget the lessons that I take away from this, the love that I feel for you. I will never take for granted a single moment I get to spend with you outside of a hospital. Ever. You are so precious to me, and I love you beyond words, Lucia Hope.
Love, Mama
Wow, you are almost three weeks old! I can't believe it's only been three weeks. So much has happened. You have come so far. We have come so far. You have taught me so much about strength, faith, love. You have taught me what it means to love. I could sit here and reflect on all the things I could have done differently and wonder if things would have turned out differently, but you have filled me with such strength and courage that I never thought was possible. You've given me renewed sense of optimism despite such overwhelming circumstances. I am not an optimist, usually.
See, your daddy and I have hit some tough times in our lives, and these tend to be the periods that test us, our wills. We have, however, gained such strength, individually and as a couple during these times. You are a little angel. You will never know how you have brought people together who otherwise had drifted apart. You gave me hope when I had none at all. This is the toughest thing your daddy and I have gone through in our lives - the thought of losing you is the scariest thing I can imagine. To see you suffer or go through any pain is beyond heartbreak. You are the most beautiful little baby ever, and I'm not just saying that because you're ours. Your birth was beautiful no matter how scary it was. Your daddy and I held hands and looked in each other's eyes. I was so numb from the spinal that I didn't know they had started my surgery. He rushed in to make it in time for your arrival. He was still in a suit and I was so relieved to see him and it was funny to see him in blue hospital scrubs. I'm not ready to relive the pain and fear that followed because right now, I want to focus on the blessing, the joy. You are named after light and hope. Doctors kept asking if your name came after your birth, but it didn't. Your name was well planned. We are so grateful for you and you have given us so much in the three weeks since you were born. You have taught us what it means to truly love someone with your whole entire being. You have given us a deeper love for each other and strength that I never thought possible. You are the strength I need to keep going. I see you and I can't feel sad, I can't feel weakness. I can only feel pure love and joy, no matter what. No matter that I'm holding you with tubes and hospital furniture and beeping machines. You are so beautiful and I'm so proud to be your mother. I will say this probably one thousand times throughout this blog, because I am so very proud of you, Lucia. You will probably never comprehend how much, and this is why I need to repeat it often.
Lucia, this is why I can't focus on the negative - you were the light and hope of our lives before you were born. We all seemed to sense that you were a girl. :) Whenever we'd have an ultrasound, your daddy and I were so amazed to see you, we'd treasure those moments, those little glimpses at you. You brought so much joy to us (that was the other middle name choice I loved, Joy) and gave us so much to look forward to. We could not even (and can't still to this day) wrap our heads around the idea that you were in my belly, that we'd FINALLY have a baby. Every time we'd see you on the ultrasound and see your chubby cheeks or your cute little feet we were blown away. It felt so surreal. I remember your heart ultrasound, seeing how strong and steady it was and feeling so connected to you, seeing your strength symbolized in that solid heartbeat.
Tomorrow it will be three weeks since your birth. I can't believe it has only been three weeks. So much has happened - You've blown everyone away. You have a whole following on facebook - do you even know that? You're a diva at <3 weeks. I cannot express my gratitude to everyone for support because this has been a rollercoaster, and I couldn't make it through without their love and kindness. This has been a long road, but I like that there is a light at the end of the tunnel now. You are that light - you've been flickering quietly this whole time, and now you are burning brightly, strong, healthy, a force to be reckoned with. Some day I will write more about your birth but I don't want to dwell on any pain right now. Because one day, I will take you home and all of this will be a distant memory - the pain part anyway. I will never forget the lessons that I take away from this, the love that I feel for you. I will never take for granted a single moment I get to spend with you outside of a hospital. Ever. You are so precious to me, and I love you beyond words, Lucia Hope.
Love, Mama
Saturday, October 2, 2010
October 2, 2010
Dear Lucia,
What a busy Saturday you had!! Daddy brought your swing and your bouncer. You got a lot of attention and love. We changed about 3 poopy diapers in a row. Now both of us are half asleep - well maybe you are fully asleep. I'm trying to rest and it's tough - I just want to cuddle and hold you but I'm so sleepy. I'm also feeling so sore. It's difficult to rest when I just want to hold you and spend time with you. We both need our rest!
I can't believe how lucky and blessed we are. You are such a miracle, so amazing to see you so strong and fighting. One week ago, I was so scared of losing you and now you don't even seem like the same baby. My parents don't recognize you. So many changes within one week. You are stirring in your crib as I type this and again, I contemplate picking you up but again, I need to rest.
I love you. You never cease to amaze me!
Love, Mama
What a busy Saturday you had!! Daddy brought your swing and your bouncer. You got a lot of attention and love. We changed about 3 poopy diapers in a row. Now both of us are half asleep - well maybe you are fully asleep. I'm trying to rest and it's tough - I just want to cuddle and hold you but I'm so sleepy. I'm also feeling so sore. It's difficult to rest when I just want to hold you and spend time with you. We both need our rest!
I can't believe how lucky and blessed we are. You are such a miracle, so amazing to see you so strong and fighting. One week ago, I was so scared of losing you and now you don't even seem like the same baby. My parents don't recognize you. So many changes within one week. You are stirring in your crib as I type this and again, I contemplate picking you up but again, I need to rest.
I love you. You never cease to amaze me!
Love, Mama
Friday, October 1, 2010
October 1, 2010
Dear Lucia,
You are breathing on your own!! This is a miracle. A week ago, they didn't think you'd be able to breathe on the vent and now you are fully breathing your own breaths. You are having the tube taken out this afternoon and going on the nasal cannula. I am so amazed. Also, your daddy had a positive interview and probably will be starting his new job soon! Things are turning around for us and for our family. I can't wait to take you home.
12:30pm your tube was taken out. They sat you up and for once, I could see your face, your big cheeks without any tape on them!! You sad there, wide-eyed, so cute, not sure what to make of it. You let out a squeal - a very quiet, hoarse squeal. You are learning the power of your voice, and you will be raspy for some
Also, we can bring your swing, bouncer, swaddle you... We can finally use all of the things we have at home. We can finally begin to enjoy spending time together as a family and spoiling you as our baby.
I miss you - I hate staying here in a different place, under a different roof, where I can't peek in on you and give you kisses.
Keep on fighting - you make me so proud.
Love,
Mama
Thursday, September 30, 2010
September 30, 2010
Dear Lucia,
Your progress continues to improve. You blow everyone out of the water. I listened in on rounds and the doctors used the word "amazing" twice. I had to document it. They are confirming what I've known from the second I met you. But they are reluctant to say anything positive. Your tube might come out tomorrow! In one week, your progress blows my mind. You are so strong, so brave, such a fighter. I'm so proud that you're my daughter. I'm a little sad that you're sleeping so much today, but it's sleep, not sedation. And you are a growing baby, making such huge strides. You need your rest. I'm so proud of you. You ARE amazing, and you are my beautiful little girl.
Holding you today, you laid across my lap on the My Brest Friend pillow. You settled into sleep so quickly, you were so cozy. You were bundled up, swaddled, like a burrito. I laid my head on your tummy, kissed you. I noticed your lungs opening and closing, felt your breathing. That was the most amazing feeling in the world - you breathing on your own. You are being taken off the vent tomorrow!! A week ago they (stupid doctors) didn't think you'd make it on the vent long enough for your MRI and you have made it. Every day your settings are lowered. Now you are showing them - you are going off the vent tomorrow. You are so strong, so brave, so resilient. I love you so much!! I cannot believe how much strength you give to me every day. You look in my eyes with similar big blue eyes and I am reassured. You are so beautiful!! Your daddy and I love you so very much and are so grateful for you, our little miracle!
Love, Mama
Your progress continues to improve. You blow everyone out of the water. I listened in on rounds and the doctors used the word "amazing" twice. I had to document it. They are confirming what I've known from the second I met you. But they are reluctant to say anything positive. Your tube might come out tomorrow! In one week, your progress blows my mind. You are so strong, so brave, such a fighter. I'm so proud that you're my daughter. I'm a little sad that you're sleeping so much today, but it's sleep, not sedation. And you are a growing baby, making such huge strides. You need your rest. I'm so proud of you. You ARE amazing, and you are my beautiful little girl.
Holding you today, you laid across my lap on the My Brest Friend pillow. You settled into sleep so quickly, you were so cozy. You were bundled up, swaddled, like a burrito. I laid my head on your tummy, kissed you. I noticed your lungs opening and closing, felt your breathing. That was the most amazing feeling in the world - you breathing on your own. You are being taken off the vent tomorrow!! A week ago they (stupid doctors) didn't think you'd make it on the vent long enough for your MRI and you have made it. Every day your settings are lowered. Now you are showing them - you are going off the vent tomorrow. You are so strong, so brave, so resilient. I love you so much!! I cannot believe how much strength you give to me every day. You look in my eyes with similar big blue eyes and I am reassured. You are so beautiful!! Your daddy and I love you so very much and are so grateful for you, our little miracle!
Love, Mama
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
September 29, 2010
Dear Lucia,
I am starting this blog to capture my feelings and thoughts surrounding your birth, milestones, memories. Your birth was certainly not at all as we'd planned but from the second you arrived into our world, you taught us how much we are capable of loving another person. You were my my special little angel, whom I carried in my belly for 38 weeks. You are our miracle baby. Your daddy and I dreamt about the day when we could have a child. You were a surprise and the best kind of surprise imaginable. We were nervous as could be but so excited. We couldn't wait to see you on every ultrasound, feel your head move around when we listened to music. I loved giving your daddy updates on what you had been doing in my belly. I felt so connected to you, talked to you often, rubbed my belly. Whenever I would get stressed or worried, I'd touch my belly and you'd kick or move around as if to reassure me.
I will discuss your birth at a time when it is less painful. It was scary. Almost losing you taught me how precious your life is, taught me the extent to which I am capable of loving another person, the depths of love. You taught me what I'm capable of, how strong I can be. You made me an optimist because I would not give up on you. Your name has become so significant, so appropriate. Lucia means "carrier of light" and your middle name is Hope. You have become my light and hope. You are the love of my life. You should see how your father's face lights up when he sees your open eyes. You give me strength. You brought people together who had drifted apart. You have so many people praying for you. You inspire faith in so many. You are a beautiful angel, and I can't even believe how much I love you.
We both finally were able to hold you this week. I can't explain in words what this was like for us. Just to feel you close to my heart, your cheek on my chest, and the way I could comfort you without doing anything. You were still hooked up to the ventilator and tubes and it was not easy to get you there, but once you touched my skin you were instantly calm, quiet. You felt so soft and so warm. You are now able to wear clothes. You get 60 cc's of breastmilk every 3 hours. You are a reminder of how resilient babies can be!! You basically turned around and told the gloom/doom doctors where to stick it :) We had a family meeting with your care team on Friday, following your MRI. Needless to say, they never have anything positive (or conclusive) to say. You showed them. Finally, a doctor even said something positive about your condition. I asked her to repeat it twice. I couldn't be more proud of you. I am so proud to have such a fighter, such a beautiful, strong little girl as my daughter. You amaze me.
I love that we have quiet moments in the nursery where I can comfort you, where my touch can calm you and you don't need the rescue of morphine. I love when you look into my eyes and we connect and you make silly faces at me. You are wide eyed and alert. You have my eyes. I could sit and look at you all day. I am still adjusting to staying at Ronald McDonald House and not the hospital. It is hard to leave you but I know I'll see you in the morning and await more good news on your health.
I love you so much and again, I'm so very proud of you!! You are truly my little girl.
Love, Mama
I am starting this blog to capture my feelings and thoughts surrounding your birth, milestones, memories. Your birth was certainly not at all as we'd planned but from the second you arrived into our world, you taught us how much we are capable of loving another person. You were my my special little angel, whom I carried in my belly for 38 weeks. You are our miracle baby. Your daddy and I dreamt about the day when we could have a child. You were a surprise and the best kind of surprise imaginable. We were nervous as could be but so excited. We couldn't wait to see you on every ultrasound, feel your head move around when we listened to music. I loved giving your daddy updates on what you had been doing in my belly. I felt so connected to you, talked to you often, rubbed my belly. Whenever I would get stressed or worried, I'd touch my belly and you'd kick or move around as if to reassure me.
I will discuss your birth at a time when it is less painful. It was scary. Almost losing you taught me how precious your life is, taught me the extent to which I am capable of loving another person, the depths of love. You taught me what I'm capable of, how strong I can be. You made me an optimist because I would not give up on you. Your name has become so significant, so appropriate. Lucia means "carrier of light" and your middle name is Hope. You have become my light and hope. You are the love of my life. You should see how your father's face lights up when he sees your open eyes. You give me strength. You brought people together who had drifted apart. You have so many people praying for you. You inspire faith in so many. You are a beautiful angel, and I can't even believe how much I love you.
We both finally were able to hold you this week. I can't explain in words what this was like for us. Just to feel you close to my heart, your cheek on my chest, and the way I could comfort you without doing anything. You were still hooked up to the ventilator and tubes and it was not easy to get you there, but once you touched my skin you were instantly calm, quiet. You felt so soft and so warm. You are now able to wear clothes. You get 60 cc's of breastmilk every 3 hours. You are a reminder of how resilient babies can be!! You basically turned around and told the gloom/doom doctors where to stick it :) We had a family meeting with your care team on Friday, following your MRI. Needless to say, they never have anything positive (or conclusive) to say. You showed them. Finally, a doctor even said something positive about your condition. I asked her to repeat it twice. I couldn't be more proud of you. I am so proud to have such a fighter, such a beautiful, strong little girl as my daughter. You amaze me.
I love that we have quiet moments in the nursery where I can comfort you, where my touch can calm you and you don't need the rescue of morphine. I love when you look into my eyes and we connect and you make silly faces at me. You are wide eyed and alert. You have my eyes. I could sit and look at you all day. I am still adjusting to staying at Ronald McDonald House and not the hospital. It is hard to leave you but I know I'll see you in the morning and await more good news on your health.
I love you so much and again, I'm so very proud of you!! You are truly my little girl.
Love, Mama
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