Dear Lucia,
A whole week has passed and I haven't written. This was our last week together, home alone, just you and I. I'm heartbroken, but I know you need me to be strong for you. You have consistently been such a strong girl, no matter how scary the circumstance. I will never forget how you looked up at me, finally eyes wide open, the day of your MRI on 9/23. Amanda and Daddy were with me, and we prayed for you in the hospital chapel. I remember thinking oh please, please just pull through, just give us a sign of hope. You gave us several signs every day of your growing strength. I clung to each little step you'd take, and soon you were jumping leaps and bounds and I could barely keep up. I need an ounce of your strength this week, my love. I have to be brave and do what I have to do. This is a sacrifice, little lamb, that I hope you'll understand. Every single thing I do is for you. Please know that. I will always do what I think is best, and I will always be there for you. I may not be near you every second of the day, but you are always in my heart and on my mind. I will always be on your side, and I will do anything for your happiness and wellbeing. You are all I'd ever dreamt of, the most beautiful baby ever. Daddy and I look at your and tears well up in my eyes because no matter what else is going on in my life I look at you, and it's like all my dreams came true, all our dreams came true. I have to focus on that, on the light and the hope that you bring to me every day. I know that I will savor every minute with you, and maybe I will appreciate everything we do together even more.
I'm so proud of you. You are on ONLY bottles now, no more feeding tube. I hope we don't go back to the tube ever again. I can see and pinch both of your cute little cheeks now. I can see you now as a healthy, happy, pink-cheeked baby. You look perfect, an angel. I am so proud!! I am still pumping milk, and you are still on thickened feeds, but it's a huge leap in the right direction. Ack - I need to go give you a bottle now. You are so hungry, growing so fast. You are 23" and 10lbs, 7oz!!
i love you immeasurably!!
Love, Mama
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
November 13, 2010
Dear Lucia,
Happy two months!! I can't believe the big girl you are becoming!! Now you have officially been home more than you've been in the hospital. Amazing!! Finally. Unfortunately, this means my maternity leave is almost over. I'm so sad at the thought of leaving you, but it's a sacrifice that I only hope you will understand. I hope I can work from home parttime. I am doing what I need to do so that you may have a good life. I want to make sure we have healthcare. I am doing what I have to. Please know that you are on my mind all the time, and I hate being apart from you. I know I will savor those times together even more, and I will always hold you close to me. It will be challenging because ever since I started this job, I was pregnant. You were always with me. I would take long walks at lunchtime, walk around Madison Avenue, upper east side, near the water. I would window shop, people watch, stroll through Central Park. I would touch my tummy and talk to you. I know you loved these walks because you would move all over the place and kick me often. I felt so close to you. This will be the first time I will be doing these walks without you. You are forever in my heart, so I will carry you with me in that way.
As I type you are in your Beco Gemini carrier, snuggling against me. You are sucking away on your paci, and it feels almost like breastfeeding! Haha. Still hoping you can do that one day. Your swallow test keeps getting moved, and now with returning to work I'm not sure how I can do it. You need to do it so you can have this tube removed!! You are making so much progress. You took 140 mL at one feeding today!! That's insane. And in like 20 minutes. You are so alert, more and more awake each day. You look for Daddy and me when you hear our voices. You like to try to grab toys. You enjoy tummy time on the Boppy. You continue to amaze and impress me. You have new "tricks" every day.
Daddy is at a show in the city tonight for a well-deserved night out. I wasn't ready to leave you for that long, but I've been relaxing at home. We had your grandparents over for chili and am now relaxing with you on the bed. You are wide awake and so much fun to relax with. I filed your nails, gave you some infant massage with olive oil cream. Now you are just staring at me and sucking away on your paci. You remind me of Maggie Simpson. I know I'll need nights out too at some point, but tonight I'm enjoying and savoring time in with you. I love you so much.
Two months ago you were born and just look at all that has happened. Look how far you've come. Baby, you amaze me.
I love you.
Love,
Mama
Happy two months!! I can't believe the big girl you are becoming!! Now you have officially been home more than you've been in the hospital. Amazing!! Finally. Unfortunately, this means my maternity leave is almost over. I'm so sad at the thought of leaving you, but it's a sacrifice that I only hope you will understand. I hope I can work from home parttime. I am doing what I need to do so that you may have a good life. I want to make sure we have healthcare. I am doing what I have to. Please know that you are on my mind all the time, and I hate being apart from you. I know I will savor those times together even more, and I will always hold you close to me. It will be challenging because ever since I started this job, I was pregnant. You were always with me. I would take long walks at lunchtime, walk around Madison Avenue, upper east side, near the water. I would window shop, people watch, stroll through Central Park. I would touch my tummy and talk to you. I know you loved these walks because you would move all over the place and kick me often. I felt so close to you. This will be the first time I will be doing these walks without you. You are forever in my heart, so I will carry you with me in that way.
As I type you are in your Beco Gemini carrier, snuggling against me. You are sucking away on your paci, and it feels almost like breastfeeding! Haha. Still hoping you can do that one day. Your swallow test keeps getting moved, and now with returning to work I'm not sure how I can do it. You need to do it so you can have this tube removed!! You are making so much progress. You took 140 mL at one feeding today!! That's insane. And in like 20 minutes. You are so alert, more and more awake each day. You look for Daddy and me when you hear our voices. You like to try to grab toys. You enjoy tummy time on the Boppy. You continue to amaze and impress me. You have new "tricks" every day.
Daddy is at a show in the city tonight for a well-deserved night out. I wasn't ready to leave you for that long, but I've been relaxing at home. We had your grandparents over for chili and am now relaxing with you on the bed. You are wide awake and so much fun to relax with. I filed your nails, gave you some infant massage with olive oil cream. Now you are just staring at me and sucking away on your paci. You remind me of Maggie Simpson. I know I'll need nights out too at some point, but tonight I'm enjoying and savoring time in with you. I love you so much.
Two months ago you were born and just look at all that has happened. Look how far you've come. Baby, you amaze me.
I love you.
Love,
Mama
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
November 9, 2010
Dear Lucia,
I never did make it back on the other day. You distract me. You are too cute. I can't believe you are 8 weeks old already. You are making so much progress each day. You are taking more and more full bottles of milk! You eagerly want this tube out of your nose! You pull it out often, but also, you are eager to take more bottles. You root all the time, even on Daddy's nose! You are showing so many signs that you are a healthy, active baby. You are awake more and more during the day, and I love it. You have hours where you are wide-eyed, staring at me. You love tummy time on the Boppy pillow - the other day you were reaching for toys within reach. You love to practice lifting your head up. You do this when I hold you, and you are getting stronger. You love your activity mat - you are so engaged and curious. You continue to love your bouncer. Anything that vibrates and plays soft music is your comfort zone.
I love being home with you. We took a nice walk today in the sunshine. So far this autumn is beautifully mild. We have a nice stretch of sunny warm days ahead. I look forward to more walks. I'm so glad that I'm no longer bleeding and my body feels stronger. We walked for a good hour today which I needed. You stayed awake for half of the time, but you fell asleep for the ride home. You woke up briefly to cry and then stared at me, confused, not recognizing me with sunglasses on. Then you fell asleep again. You are such an easygoing baby! I love your being awake more - you sit and watch me pump after your bottle. You are probably wondering what I'm doing and why you can't just get your milk from the source directly. Hopefully... you are making such strides. We have another appointment with a feeding team tomorrow and I hope we have good news. You are doing so well. I'm nervous about leaving you to go back to work. I hate the idea of leaving you and I hope I can work from home. Even if I'm working, I can be near you and feed you, take you to doctors' appointments. You are such a strong little girl, and you give me strength. I know we've been through so much, and we can make it through anything together, you and I. I know that, and yet, I'm heartbroken about being separated from you. I'm trying next week to start little outings as trials. It doesn't hurt that one of my outings is for a massage that your Daddy had gotten me for Valentine's Day. I need a massage so it should be easy to get me out for that. I know we can handle it.
I'm excited about spending the holidays with you. I am shopping for cute holiday dresses for you, my little princess. Every day is Christmas with you around. I have all that I need now that you're home and healthy. That is all I wanted. When it seemed you it wouldn't make it, all I wanted is for you to come home with me. It sounds corny, but it's true. Having you home is the best thing in the world and is all I could want in the world. I can't think of anything aside from losing my pregnancy weight that would make me happy. I wake up every morning to your face. Being home with you on my maternity leave and spending time with you has been such a joy to me. Having fun days just taking care of you is amazing. I enjoy every second we have together, even if I have a busy day like today. I finally ordered a baby carrier and it will be easier to go out with the pugs on walks, tote you around the house to clean. I can hold you close to me, which I love.
Ok, you are waking up, and I need to eat dinner. I am so proud of you, and I love you so much. You are so beautiful, and your smile is all I need to get through any tough times. I have been hormonal and emotional and postpartum times ten, but you calm me, center me. Whenever things feel overwhelming, all I need is to hold you. Everything slows down and all that is important is that you are here with me.
I love you, Lucia!!
Love, Mama
I never did make it back on the other day. You distract me. You are too cute. I can't believe you are 8 weeks old already. You are making so much progress each day. You are taking more and more full bottles of milk! You eagerly want this tube out of your nose! You pull it out often, but also, you are eager to take more bottles. You root all the time, even on Daddy's nose! You are showing so many signs that you are a healthy, active baby. You are awake more and more during the day, and I love it. You have hours where you are wide-eyed, staring at me. You love tummy time on the Boppy pillow - the other day you were reaching for toys within reach. You love to practice lifting your head up. You do this when I hold you, and you are getting stronger. You love your activity mat - you are so engaged and curious. You continue to love your bouncer. Anything that vibrates and plays soft music is your comfort zone.
I love being home with you. We took a nice walk today in the sunshine. So far this autumn is beautifully mild. We have a nice stretch of sunny warm days ahead. I look forward to more walks. I'm so glad that I'm no longer bleeding and my body feels stronger. We walked for a good hour today which I needed. You stayed awake for half of the time, but you fell asleep for the ride home. You woke up briefly to cry and then stared at me, confused, not recognizing me with sunglasses on. Then you fell asleep again. You are such an easygoing baby! I love your being awake more - you sit and watch me pump after your bottle. You are probably wondering what I'm doing and why you can't just get your milk from the source directly. Hopefully... you are making such strides. We have another appointment with a feeding team tomorrow and I hope we have good news. You are doing so well. I'm nervous about leaving you to go back to work. I hate the idea of leaving you and I hope I can work from home. Even if I'm working, I can be near you and feed you, take you to doctors' appointments. You are such a strong little girl, and you give me strength. I know we've been through so much, and we can make it through anything together, you and I. I know that, and yet, I'm heartbroken about being separated from you. I'm trying next week to start little outings as trials. It doesn't hurt that one of my outings is for a massage that your Daddy had gotten me for Valentine's Day. I need a massage so it should be easy to get me out for that. I know we can handle it.
I'm excited about spending the holidays with you. I am shopping for cute holiday dresses for you, my little princess. Every day is Christmas with you around. I have all that I need now that you're home and healthy. That is all I wanted. When it seemed you it wouldn't make it, all I wanted is for you to come home with me. It sounds corny, but it's true. Having you home is the best thing in the world and is all I could want in the world. I can't think of anything aside from losing my pregnancy weight that would make me happy. I wake up every morning to your face. Being home with you on my maternity leave and spending time with you has been such a joy to me. Having fun days just taking care of you is amazing. I enjoy every second we have together, even if I have a busy day like today. I finally ordered a baby carrier and it will be easier to go out with the pugs on walks, tote you around the house to clean. I can hold you close to me, which I love.
Ok, you are waking up, and I need to eat dinner. I am so proud of you, and I love you so much. You are so beautiful, and your smile is all I need to get through any tough times. I have been hormonal and emotional and postpartum times ten, but you calm me, center me. Whenever things feel overwhelming, all I need is to hold you. Everything slows down and all that is important is that you are here with me.
I love you, Lucia!!
Love, Mama
Saturday, November 6, 2010
November 6, 2010
Dear Lucia,
5 years ago your daddy proposed to me. He got down on one knee on a warm autumn night in Washington DC and would you believe he was so interested in starting a family that he mentioned having a baby in the proposal? 2005 marked the year of your father becoming officially baby crazy. It never let up from that point on. :) Now you are here and you must know we have thought about you for 5 years!
You continue to amaze me. You took 80 mL at two feedings today by bottle. :) You must really want that tube out. You are such a strong and motivated baby. Today you were alert and awake so much. We lay on the bed and you were on the Boppy, doing tummy time, reaching for toys I'd placed near you. You grabbed them. You are very curious and alert, always wanting to grab things! You love to grab my hair when I hold you. I'll write more in a minute - you want to cuddle right now, and so do I!
5 years ago your daddy proposed to me. He got down on one knee on a warm autumn night in Washington DC and would you believe he was so interested in starting a family that he mentioned having a baby in the proposal? 2005 marked the year of your father becoming officially baby crazy. It never let up from that point on. :) Now you are here and you must know we have thought about you for 5 years!
You continue to amaze me. You took 80 mL at two feedings today by bottle. :) You must really want that tube out. You are such a strong and motivated baby. Today you were alert and awake so much. We lay on the bed and you were on the Boppy, doing tummy time, reaching for toys I'd placed near you. You grabbed them. You are very curious and alert, always wanting to grab things! You love to grab my hair when I hold you. I'll write more in a minute - you want to cuddle right now, and so do I!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
November 3, 2010
Dear Lucia,
Sometimes days fly by so fast that I hardly have time to write in this! You are 7.5 weeks old now and you are so amazing, changing every day. Lately you are VERY into pulling your tube out. I really hope we can take it out for good soon. You are meeting with a speech therapist soon and hopefully they can work on your swallow. You took so many bottles today!! You took 55 mL at 9, entire 80 at noon, and 45 around 3. You get frustrated because the milk is thickened but you keep plugging along. We just need to re-do the swallow study so you can take regular milk. I still hold out the hope that you can breastfeed one day. I hope so. You are always rooting, trying to feed. I know the desire is there.
Your hair is still brown, but getting lighter every day. I wonder if you will be a blond. One thing is for sure, you will be a heartbreaker. You are so beautiful. We love to take advantage when your tube is out and take photos of you. You are such a pretty baby. I love spoiling you and I look forward to things like Christmas stockings and party dresses and patent leather mary janes.
You are an amazing little baby, and I am still adjusting to the fact that you are here. Every morning I wake up and I'm amazed. At night, you are alert and you look me straight in the eye, wide-eyed. You smile!! You give me the most beautiful wide-eyed smiles. You know I'm your mom and that I love you so much.
I don't want to go back to work, ever. I want to spend every minute with you! Days are so busy that we don't always get quiet time together. I savor every single minute we have.
I love you!!
Love, Mama
Sometimes days fly by so fast that I hardly have time to write in this! You are 7.5 weeks old now and you are so amazing, changing every day. Lately you are VERY into pulling your tube out. I really hope we can take it out for good soon. You are meeting with a speech therapist soon and hopefully they can work on your swallow. You took so many bottles today!! You took 55 mL at 9, entire 80 at noon, and 45 around 3. You get frustrated because the milk is thickened but you keep plugging along. We just need to re-do the swallow study so you can take regular milk. I still hold out the hope that you can breastfeed one day. I hope so. You are always rooting, trying to feed. I know the desire is there.
Your hair is still brown, but getting lighter every day. I wonder if you will be a blond. One thing is for sure, you will be a heartbreaker. You are so beautiful. We love to take advantage when your tube is out and take photos of you. You are such a pretty baby. I love spoiling you and I look forward to things like Christmas stockings and party dresses and patent leather mary janes.
You are an amazing little baby, and I am still adjusting to the fact that you are here. Every morning I wake up and I'm amazed. At night, you are alert and you look me straight in the eye, wide-eyed. You smile!! You give me the most beautiful wide-eyed smiles. You know I'm your mom and that I love you so much.
I don't want to go back to work, ever. I want to spend every minute with you! Days are so busy that we don't always get quiet time together. I savor every single minute we have.
I love you!!
Love, Mama
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