Dear Lucia,
Well, today the doctors told me they want you to go home on Sunday. I'm very nervous and scared. I feel responsible in a way that this happened to you. You were safe and sound in my womb and something happened and I couldn't protect you. Everyone in the world can tell me not to feel guilty but I will. I can't help it. I'm your mother. You were inside of me and I should have saved you. And I couldn't have, and it feels horrible.
That said, of course I am proud of you my little angel. I remember thinking that you would not make it until I got there from my hospital to see you. You and I were in separate states hours after you'd left the place where you lived for almost a year: my uterus. You were warm and cozy in there and you were ripped out and thrown into cold sterile hospital rooms. You needed blood transfusions, plasma, platelets. You were given very little chance of surviving. You confuse doctors with your current strong state. No one understands how this happened. The same doctor who told me over the phone that I needed to hurry to you because you were very critical, couldn't tell me anything positive about you at all was the one who stood beside me last night and shook her head and smiled. She doesn't have words for your recovery. She doesn't get it. By all of their measures you shouldn't have made it. You are an angel and you have only gotten stronger each day!
You did aspirate milk into your lungs and had a swallow study. Apparently it's common for babies in NICU who have had problems breathing to do this. The swallow reflex is weakened. We have a few extra steps to your care as you come home and I'm nervous but I'm sure I can do it. I'm your mom - I will gain my strength and courage from you. I look at how strong you are and I have to gain some strength from it. You are amazing. All you do is prove people wrong, fight overwhelming odds. I will learn from you. You will give me courage and strength as you have all along. We have a special bond, you and I. I love you, my darling angel.
Love, Mama
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