September 29, 2010

Dear Lucia,

I am starting this blog to capture my feelings and thoughts surrounding your birth, milestones, memories. Your birth was certainly not at all as we'd planned but from the second you arrived into our world, you taught us how much we are capable of loving another person. You were my my special little angel, whom I carried in my belly for 38 weeks. You are our miracle baby. Your daddy and I dreamt about the day when we could have a child. You were a surprise and the best kind of surprise imaginable. We were nervous as could be but so excited. We couldn't wait to see you on every ultrasound, feel your head move around when we listened to music. I loved giving your daddy updates on what you had been doing in my belly. I felt so connected to you, talked to you often, rubbed my belly. Whenever I would get stressed or worried, I'd touch my belly and you'd kick or move around as if to reassure me.

I will discuss your birth at a time when it is less painful. It was scary. Almost losing you taught me how precious your life is, taught me the extent to which I am capable of loving another person, the depths of love. You taught me what I'm capable of, how strong I can be. You made me an optimist because I would not give up on you. Your name has become so significant, so appropriate. Lucia means "carrier of light" and your middle name is Hope. You have become my light and hope. You are the love of my life. You should see how your father's face lights up when he sees your open eyes. You give me strength. You brought people together who had drifted apart. You have so many people praying for you. You inspire faith in so many. You are a beautiful angel, and I can't even believe how much I love you.

We both finally were able to hold you this week. I can't explain in words what this was like for us. Just to feel you close to my heart, your cheek on my chest, and the way I could comfort you without doing anything. You were still hooked up to the ventilator and tubes and it was not easy to get you there, but once you touched my skin you were instantly calm, quiet. You felt so soft and so warm. You are now able to wear clothes. You get 60 cc's of breastmilk every 3 hours. You are a reminder of how resilient babies can be!! You basically turned around and told the gloom/doom doctors where to stick it :) We had a family meeting with your care team on Friday, following your MRI. Needless to say, they never have anything positive (or conclusive) to say. You showed them. Finally, a doctor even said something positive about your condition. I asked her to repeat it twice. I couldn't be more proud of you. I am so proud to have such a fighter, such a beautiful, strong little girl as my daughter. You amaze me.

I love that we have quiet moments in the nursery where I can comfort you, where my touch can calm you and you don't need the rescue of morphine. I love when you look into my eyes and we connect and you make silly faces at me. You are wide eyed and alert. You have my eyes. I could sit and look at you all day. I am still adjusting to staying at Ronald McDonald House and not the hospital. It is hard to leave you but I know I'll see you in the morning and await more good news on your health.

I love you so much and again, I'm so very proud of you!! You are truly my little girl.

Love, Mama