Dear Lucia,
I'm overwhelmed lately with thoughts of "last year this time". Last year, we had already picked out your birthday of 9/15/10. I was sad about the planning aspect and wanted a surprise. Well, I got one. Last year, on this date, we had an ultrasound, and found out you were still breech. You were looking so cute and chubby, big cheeks, we watched you breathe in and out. You didn't have much room to move in there. You were just relaxing, waiting to be born. They weren't going to take you out earlier just because of size. You weren't finished growing and we wanted you to be healthy.
I remember everything, watching new Mad Men episodes with feet up, trying to enjoy the last few weeks of sleep. Isn't that what everyone tells a soon to be mom? Sleep now. Enjoy your quiet! I was anxious, I knew I had 2 weeks to go and then I would be a mom. I was kind of panicking. What does this mean? How could I do this? How would I be as a mom? Could I do it? I wanted to get good quality sleep, felt pressured to do so, but I wasn't. You were pushing up in my ribs and it was hard to get enough air. I woke up many times throughout the night as rolling over in bed had become a big project that involved moving dogs and rearranging pillows. I had no idea how much weight I'd gained but knew it was a lot. I waddled. I had to stop and catch my breath. I had a running countdown in my head, and I planned my hospital bag packing accordingly. So when I started feeling crampy on Sun. 9/12, I thought it was nothing, you were not coming yet. You were scheduled for 9/15. I started to enjoy the knowledge of when you would arrive, the preparation it allowed for. So when I woke up on 9/13 and felt less movement, I thought it was just because you were 9lbs, and you couldn't move as easily in my belly. I never thought you were under any distress. It wasn't until a certain worry set in, I couldn't remember when you'd last moved. Up until then I was just worried about the csection. How would that go? Would I be able to room in and breastfeed? Would the catheter be icky? I contemplated changes to my ever evolving birth plan. I told Daddy to go and be with you as soon as he could. I didnt' realize and could not prepare for them taking you to resuscitate you. I didn't know you'd require blood transfusions. I didn't know you wouldn't be breathing. You are so amazing and such a big girl now, I barely can picture you as that little baby. I couldn't see you. I saw you briefly when they brought you in all wrapped up but they were afraid of you crashing and they swooped you back. No one told me. In hindsight I'm glad. I would have started freaking out sooner. I could rest while they sewed me up, remembering your blond eyelashes, big blue eyes. I wouldn't see you again until you were on the stretcher ready for helicopter transport to Philadelphia. As we approach the anniversary of this bittersweet day that forever changed my life, I am so grateful. I look at a year's worth of photos, of memories, and realize that I almost didn't get to have these times. I came so close to not taking you home, to losing you before we'd even had the chance to bond.
Flash forward to this year. I am so grateful. Every moment I get to share with you, I savor. These cool late summer evenings, crickets chirping, remind me of being huge in the belly, grateful for cool air and windows open. You hug me, you snuggle against me while I give you your bottle. We could never breastfeed, but I've pumped for almost a year now. It has been a bumpy road, lots of fears, tests, worries. But you continue to amaze everyone. Every single doctor who has reviewed your thick charts is amazed, doesn't anticipate you to be the feisty, strong, alert, intelligent, bubbly little girl that you are. You are so full of life, so happy. We are planning your birthday party, and what a celebration it will be. A year of life for my Lucia Hope. This is just the beginning. We can relax a bit now, we can take deep breaths. You are here. We didn't lose you. These things are starting to actually sink in. It's hard, I'll be honest, I know how well you are doing, but I am afraid sometimes. I want you to have every opportunity in the world, I want you to have less obstacles and challenges. I am your mom, and it is how I feel, at night after I put you down to sleep and kiss your head. I kiss your head and every single night, I stroke it and I think how amazing that little brain it contains is, what a strong baby you are. What a hit that brain took, and yet here you are... I love you, Lucia. I know there is nothing you can't do. Every day it gets easier to focus on the present and dream for the future.
Love, Mama
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
August 24, 2011
Dear Lucia,
We are planning your first birthday party. I am reminded how bittersweet of a moment this is. I remember last summer, and I remember what it felt like when you moved and kicked, when you headbutted my ribs. I am remembering swollen feet and aching back. I remember never having to be separated from you. Today I am at work, and you are at home, and you have a fever. I wish I could go hold you and comfort you. Lately, when I hold you, I sense how much you miss me and need me to hold you. You hug me. Your face lights up when I come home. I miss you during the day, and I think of you often. Working has not gotten easier, but I do it. I am remembering last year, today, we had an ultrasound. I was 36 weeks pregnant. You were about 7 lbs! We found out that since you were breech we'd have to have a csection. We found out that at the next appointment, we'd schedule your birthday. I hated this, wanted a surprise, wanted a natural birth (with epidural on standby). Well, we got one. We know where the story goes from here.
An entire year has passed. It's been a roller coaster. I've tried to enjoy as much as I can and not live in fear, not worry, but I'd be lying if I said I never worried. I want nothing but the best for you. You are becoming such a little strong personality, such a fighter, such a big girl. You are starting to cruise, take steps. It's all up from here. I think that we will both breathe a sigh of relief when you are crawling and walking. It's like those are the big milestones. Every other little detail, we can deal with. You still have some feeding challenges, but so be it. You are here, and you are so alive. That's what counts. You are eating more and more finger foods, preferring to feed yourself. You are Miss Independent. You continue to be so happy, laughing, talking, singing. You have 1000 different expressions, and each one is full of your beautiful sense of humor, your energy, your light. You are living up to your name's meaning. You are such a beacon of light in my world. No matter what happens in the day to day, you are this glowing light at the day's end. You are such a delight to come home to. Some nights I don't get as much time to spend with you as I'd like. Rather than let this depress me, I try to focus on every second I have and enjoy it. You have taught me to live in the moment. When something catches up with me, and I'm with you, you distract me. You bring me back to present.
Daddy and I have savored every minute and will continue to do so. We've not let the pain and anguish of your start in life take that away. That being said, it's hard to believe what we have overcome together. I look at a year's worth of pictures, and it's amazing, how far you have come. I know you won't remember any of it. We'll tell you one day. We'll take you to Philadelphia, where doctors fought 24/7 to save your life, to preserve your brain, keep you alive and safe. We'll show you where you were taken by helicopter, hooked up to life supports, where I lived every day for a month, by your side. I'm so grateful for this year. I don't know what I would have done, and I can't imagine life without you. I am so grateful for you, for my daughter. I love you so much. I cannot wait to celebrate your birthday, focus on the joy that entered my world on that day and honor the pain as well.
Love, Mama
We are planning your first birthday party. I am reminded how bittersweet of a moment this is. I remember last summer, and I remember what it felt like when you moved and kicked, when you headbutted my ribs. I am remembering swollen feet and aching back. I remember never having to be separated from you. Today I am at work, and you are at home, and you have a fever. I wish I could go hold you and comfort you. Lately, when I hold you, I sense how much you miss me and need me to hold you. You hug me. Your face lights up when I come home. I miss you during the day, and I think of you often. Working has not gotten easier, but I do it. I am remembering last year, today, we had an ultrasound. I was 36 weeks pregnant. You were about 7 lbs! We found out that since you were breech we'd have to have a csection. We found out that at the next appointment, we'd schedule your birthday. I hated this, wanted a surprise, wanted a natural birth (with epidural on standby). Well, we got one. We know where the story goes from here.
An entire year has passed. It's been a roller coaster. I've tried to enjoy as much as I can and not live in fear, not worry, but I'd be lying if I said I never worried. I want nothing but the best for you. You are becoming such a little strong personality, such a fighter, such a big girl. You are starting to cruise, take steps. It's all up from here. I think that we will both breathe a sigh of relief when you are crawling and walking. It's like those are the big milestones. Every other little detail, we can deal with. You still have some feeding challenges, but so be it. You are here, and you are so alive. That's what counts. You are eating more and more finger foods, preferring to feed yourself. You are Miss Independent. You continue to be so happy, laughing, talking, singing. You have 1000 different expressions, and each one is full of your beautiful sense of humor, your energy, your light. You are living up to your name's meaning. You are such a beacon of light in my world. No matter what happens in the day to day, you are this glowing light at the day's end. You are such a delight to come home to. Some nights I don't get as much time to spend with you as I'd like. Rather than let this depress me, I try to focus on every second I have and enjoy it. You have taught me to live in the moment. When something catches up with me, and I'm with you, you distract me. You bring me back to present.
Daddy and I have savored every minute and will continue to do so. We've not let the pain and anguish of your start in life take that away. That being said, it's hard to believe what we have overcome together. I look at a year's worth of pictures, and it's amazing, how far you have come. I know you won't remember any of it. We'll tell you one day. We'll take you to Philadelphia, where doctors fought 24/7 to save your life, to preserve your brain, keep you alive and safe. We'll show you where you were taken by helicopter, hooked up to life supports, where I lived every day for a month, by your side. I'm so grateful for this year. I don't know what I would have done, and I can't imagine life without you. I am so grateful for you, for my daughter. I love you so much. I cannot wait to celebrate your birthday, focus on the joy that entered my world on that day and honor the pain as well.
Love, Mama
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
July 27, 2011
Dear Lucia,
You are ten and a half months! I cannot believe it. I write so infrequently but life is so busy these days. I can barely keep up. You are on the move. You are doing the commando crawl - scooting on your tummy, dragging yourself by your arms. You will get the hang of crawling, I know it. You also scoot around on your butt, backwards. You are so curious, trying to climb all over me when I hold you. It seems you have all the energy and motivation in the world, you just need a bit more coordination. Before we know it you will be fully mobile and there will be absolutely no stopping you. You love to stand and play at your music table. You dance along to the music. You are so happy, so silly.
You do protest at mealtimes. You want to feed yourself, and every day we try new things. Your appetite isn't so great, as your top teeth slooooowly cut through. My poor baby. You scream and fuss and get so frantic. I know it is those teeth. I try everything - cold teethers, orajel, tylenol, etc and nothing helps you. You just want to be held. And I will hold you all day as long as I can. Poor baby.
I am planning your birthday party, and I am overjoyed that you are already turning one. A whole year ago since your scary beginning turned into a glorious homecoming. I am working on a letter to Dr. Ramos and to your doctors at CHOP. I want them to see the beautiful little girl you have become. You are so happy, smiling, easygoing. You are beautiful. Unless your teeth are bugging you, you don't fuss. You don't complain. You have so much to say. Your baby babble is the cutest thing in the world. I love you, Lucia.
Love, Mama
You are ten and a half months! I cannot believe it. I write so infrequently but life is so busy these days. I can barely keep up. You are on the move. You are doing the commando crawl - scooting on your tummy, dragging yourself by your arms. You will get the hang of crawling, I know it. You also scoot around on your butt, backwards. You are so curious, trying to climb all over me when I hold you. It seems you have all the energy and motivation in the world, you just need a bit more coordination. Before we know it you will be fully mobile and there will be absolutely no stopping you. You love to stand and play at your music table. You dance along to the music. You are so happy, so silly.
You do protest at mealtimes. You want to feed yourself, and every day we try new things. Your appetite isn't so great, as your top teeth slooooowly cut through. My poor baby. You scream and fuss and get so frantic. I know it is those teeth. I try everything - cold teethers, orajel, tylenol, etc and nothing helps you. You just want to be held. And I will hold you all day as long as I can. Poor baby.
I am planning your birthday party, and I am overjoyed that you are already turning one. A whole year ago since your scary beginning turned into a glorious homecoming. I am working on a letter to Dr. Ramos and to your doctors at CHOP. I want them to see the beautiful little girl you have become. You are so happy, smiling, easygoing. You are beautiful. Unless your teeth are bugging you, you don't fuss. You don't complain. You have so much to say. Your baby babble is the cutest thing in the world. I love you, Lucia.
Love, Mama
Friday, July 8, 2011
July 8, 2011
Dear Lucia,
You are almost 10 months old!! I can't believe it. We are already planning your birthday party, which completely blows my mind. A whole year of Lucia, and I almost didn't get to have these memories. I get teary eyed thinking of it. Last year this time, I was pregnant, it was brutally hot summer, and I was excited. I was scared. I was nervous. I learned that you were breech and I'd need to have a csection. Despite all odds, though, you were doing just fine. I saw you every week on the ultrasound. You were so obviously a beautiful, pouty girl. Last night when I was rocking you to sleep, I looked at your smiling, sleeping face, and you looked just like that same baby. After all we've been through, your face is the one I saw all that time. It's surreal. When we snuggle at night, like that, it's the most calming moment of my day. I hate days where I only get that hour before bedtime with you ALL day, but I savor it. I miss you and I know you miss me, and we both need those cuddles in the rocking chair with music and your bottle. It's how I imagined I'd breastfeed you, had I been able to. I'm still sad that I couldn't, and as you get older, I realize that, and I have to mourn it. I am proud I've worked so hard pumping for you, but when I sit there and reflect on being pregnant, and of all the dreams I'd had, that was one. Nothing went as planned. Nothing. That being said, nothing could have prepared me for how happy you'd make me, how much I'd love you. I was so nervous about how I would adjust - would it be difficult, the selfish part of me who's become accustomed to focusing on myself and Daddy was worried about how I'd manage it all, how I could work all day and find time to do everything. It's hard most days. It's challenging. I'm more tired than I've ever been on a consistent basis, but I'm also happier. My life has so much more meaning, because every single thing I do I think about you and how it affects you. Your strength inspires me, Lucia. When I see you doing things that I was afraid you wouldn't do, I cry. You're so happy, so lovable, so perfect.
I'm so glad it's already Friday, glad for the short week, can't wait to go home and snuggle you tonight.
I love you,
Mama
PS - i LOVE that you've actually been saying "mama" a LOT lately. :) It melts my heart every single time.
You are almost 10 months old!! I can't believe it. We are already planning your birthday party, which completely blows my mind. A whole year of Lucia, and I almost didn't get to have these memories. I get teary eyed thinking of it. Last year this time, I was pregnant, it was brutally hot summer, and I was excited. I was scared. I was nervous. I learned that you were breech and I'd need to have a csection. Despite all odds, though, you were doing just fine. I saw you every week on the ultrasound. You were so obviously a beautiful, pouty girl. Last night when I was rocking you to sleep, I looked at your smiling, sleeping face, and you looked just like that same baby. After all we've been through, your face is the one I saw all that time. It's surreal. When we snuggle at night, like that, it's the most calming moment of my day. I hate days where I only get that hour before bedtime with you ALL day, but I savor it. I miss you and I know you miss me, and we both need those cuddles in the rocking chair with music and your bottle. It's how I imagined I'd breastfeed you, had I been able to. I'm still sad that I couldn't, and as you get older, I realize that, and I have to mourn it. I am proud I've worked so hard pumping for you, but when I sit there and reflect on being pregnant, and of all the dreams I'd had, that was one. Nothing went as planned. Nothing. That being said, nothing could have prepared me for how happy you'd make me, how much I'd love you. I was so nervous about how I would adjust - would it be difficult, the selfish part of me who's become accustomed to focusing on myself and Daddy was worried about how I'd manage it all, how I could work all day and find time to do everything. It's hard most days. It's challenging. I'm more tired than I've ever been on a consistent basis, but I'm also happier. My life has so much more meaning, because every single thing I do I think about you and how it affects you. Your strength inspires me, Lucia. When I see you doing things that I was afraid you wouldn't do, I cry. You're so happy, so lovable, so perfect.
I'm so glad it's already Friday, glad for the short week, can't wait to go home and snuggle you tonight.
I love you,
Mama
PS - i LOVE that you've actually been saying "mama" a LOT lately. :) It melts my heart every single time.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
June 28, 2011
Dear Lucia,
I am so horrible at updating this and I should just accept that this is the case. I am doing my best, but life is crazy at times.
First of all, I'm so proud of you. You are finally gaining weight at a regular pace. You gained 11 oz in 3 weeks. At your last weigh-in on June 22, you were up to 14lbs, 5oz! You are 27" long, and you gained 1 centimeter in head circumference. Doctor felt the need to tell me for your length you should be 17lbs, but I am proud of you for gaining as much as you are. I've come to find out that babies who suffered HIE at birth are typically smaller. It's okay as long as your appetite is hearty. And it is. You have loved trying new things - especially blueberries and peaches and spinach! And you LOVE to feed yourself, though I'm cautious about what to give you. You love puffs. You grunt and point at them - so assertive you are! You also LOVE ceiling fans. When I get home in the evening, while I'm cleaning bottles and getting settled, you love to sit in your high chair in the kitchen and eat puffs, sing to me, and stare at the fan. :) You are such a happy, vocal baby.
You are pulling yourself up to standing - you are trying to figure out how to get around. You get so excited by your big exercise ball, and you want to play with both that and your activity table. I know you are cautious and hesitant, but you are getting there. You want to be able to be as independent as you are starting to feel. You have a definite personality of independence. You have no problems telling me what you want and what you do NOT want. You will eat really well or if you don't want to, you don't want to. You make the duck face that makes me laugh, pushing the spoon away defiantly, sticking out your bottom lip. But then other times, if it suits you, you pull the spoon out of my hand and can't get the food in fast enough.
You try so many new things, and you have such an energy for life. I love you so much!!
Love, Mama
I am so horrible at updating this and I should just accept that this is the case. I am doing my best, but life is crazy at times.
First of all, I'm so proud of you. You are finally gaining weight at a regular pace. You gained 11 oz in 3 weeks. At your last weigh-in on June 22, you were up to 14lbs, 5oz! You are 27" long, and you gained 1 centimeter in head circumference. Doctor felt the need to tell me for your length you should be 17lbs, but I am proud of you for gaining as much as you are. I've come to find out that babies who suffered HIE at birth are typically smaller. It's okay as long as your appetite is hearty. And it is. You have loved trying new things - especially blueberries and peaches and spinach! And you LOVE to feed yourself, though I'm cautious about what to give you. You love puffs. You grunt and point at them - so assertive you are! You also LOVE ceiling fans. When I get home in the evening, while I'm cleaning bottles and getting settled, you love to sit in your high chair in the kitchen and eat puffs, sing to me, and stare at the fan. :) You are such a happy, vocal baby.
You are pulling yourself up to standing - you are trying to figure out how to get around. You get so excited by your big exercise ball, and you want to play with both that and your activity table. I know you are cautious and hesitant, but you are getting there. You want to be able to be as independent as you are starting to feel. You have a definite personality of independence. You have no problems telling me what you want and what you do NOT want. You will eat really well or if you don't want to, you don't want to. You make the duck face that makes me laugh, pushing the spoon away defiantly, sticking out your bottom lip. But then other times, if it suits you, you pull the spoon out of my hand and can't get the food in fast enough.
You try so many new things, and you have such an energy for life. I love you so much!!
Love, Mama
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
June 1, 2011
Dear Lucia,
Wow... So you love to show off now. You are gaining weight like a rock star, finally developing chubby baby parts I've missed - cheeks, legs, arm dimples, belly. You had gotten so skinny your ribs were popping out. Glad to see you thriving and looking healthier. The Duocal has really helped you gain and your appetite has gotten stronger as well. You finally have two little teeth caps poking through on the bottom. Those teeth are taking their sweet time coming through, but you are working on them. You are a drool fountain. But despite the pain, you are so happy, smiling, laughing. You are exploring your new teeth with your tongue and often it's sticking out. When you eat you stick out your tongue, move it side to side, make such silly faces. You've tried so many new foods - your newest is watermelon. You like the mesh feeder, but you sometimes twirl it around in your fingers, hold the mushy food side and stick the handle in your mouth.
You love to show off how you can stand - you even pulled yourself up to your activity table to stand all by yourself!! You are tumbling sometimes, and it is scary for me to watch but it's normal. I try to catch you but I don't always. Luckily you recover very quickly. You are such a strong girl, you roll with it. You are so strong, so brave. You are not intimidated - you keep trying, and you know you will get the hang of it. You love to sit on your stool and reach for toys. You love rolling all over now. You love being on your tummy - I remember when this was a battle. I looked down from the dining room to where you were playing on the living room floor and I saw beginnings of crawling - saw you scooting around, spinning, trying to coordinate hands and feet together. You are almost there. We better work on babyproofing soon...
You love to talk, sing, vocalize, test the limits of your voice. And you love music. You are motivated by anything with music. I rocked you to sleep to Elvis the other night - his sweet voice is one of your favorites. Our new bedtime song is "Can't help falling in love with you". Caught Daddy dancing with you to "I only have eyes for you" also...You have truly captured our hearts and you are such a joy. You truly live up to your name. Life can be so hectic, especially these days with so much going on with work, home, etc. but you are the light of my life. At the end of a long day is always you, me, snuggling, music. Even if I only get that one solid hour of Lucia time, I savor it. It renews my spirit, calms me, centers me, reminds me why I have to work all day. I hate being apart from you, but I've accepted it now. It is what we have to do. You miss me too - you climb for me, reach for me when you see me after work. When Daddy comes to meet me at the bus stop and you are in the backseat, that first glance you get of me, your face lights up. That smile is the light I look forward to all day.
I love you, princess. You are such a blessing.
Love, Mama
Wow... So you love to show off now. You are gaining weight like a rock star, finally developing chubby baby parts I've missed - cheeks, legs, arm dimples, belly. You had gotten so skinny your ribs were popping out. Glad to see you thriving and looking healthier. The Duocal has really helped you gain and your appetite has gotten stronger as well. You finally have two little teeth caps poking through on the bottom. Those teeth are taking their sweet time coming through, but you are working on them. You are a drool fountain. But despite the pain, you are so happy, smiling, laughing. You are exploring your new teeth with your tongue and often it's sticking out. When you eat you stick out your tongue, move it side to side, make such silly faces. You've tried so many new foods - your newest is watermelon. You like the mesh feeder, but you sometimes twirl it around in your fingers, hold the mushy food side and stick the handle in your mouth.
You love to show off how you can stand - you even pulled yourself up to your activity table to stand all by yourself!! You are tumbling sometimes, and it is scary for me to watch but it's normal. I try to catch you but I don't always. Luckily you recover very quickly. You are such a strong girl, you roll with it. You are so strong, so brave. You are not intimidated - you keep trying, and you know you will get the hang of it. You love to sit on your stool and reach for toys. You love rolling all over now. You love being on your tummy - I remember when this was a battle. I looked down from the dining room to where you were playing on the living room floor and I saw beginnings of crawling - saw you scooting around, spinning, trying to coordinate hands and feet together. You are almost there. We better work on babyproofing soon...
You love to talk, sing, vocalize, test the limits of your voice. And you love music. You are motivated by anything with music. I rocked you to sleep to Elvis the other night - his sweet voice is one of your favorites. Our new bedtime song is "Can't help falling in love with you". Caught Daddy dancing with you to "I only have eyes for you" also...You have truly captured our hearts and you are such a joy. You truly live up to your name. Life can be so hectic, especially these days with so much going on with work, home, etc. but you are the light of my life. At the end of a long day is always you, me, snuggling, music. Even if I only get that one solid hour of Lucia time, I savor it. It renews my spirit, calms me, centers me, reminds me why I have to work all day. I hate being apart from you, but I've accepted it now. It is what we have to do. You miss me too - you climb for me, reach for me when you see me after work. When Daddy comes to meet me at the bus stop and you are in the backseat, that first glance you get of me, your face lights up. That smile is the light I look forward to all day.
I love you, princess. You are such a blessing.
Love, Mama
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
May 18, 2011
Dear Lucia,
You are over 8 months now. In typical Lucia fashion, you are showing off. I cannot put into words the relief I feel when you reach another monumental milestone. Also, the pride. I am so proud of you. We all have worked so hard to get where we are today, but you have worked the hardest. You are so determined, so motivated. You inspire me. Here I complain about squeezing a workout in on a busy workday. You are accomplishing greatness. They were so worried about your weakness and low muscle tone. But we worked - we did exercises, repetition, muscle memory, strengthening you, and you took off and showed improvement. Over the course of last week, we saw a difference. By Saturday, we stopped in Cottontails to look for an activity table - if you have toys to play with and amuse you, we figured you would be motivated to stand. I held you up to the first table we saw, and you just stood while I supported your hips. Wow. Next table, same thing. I was cautious and didn't want to let go. On the way out, we saw a play kitchen, and I wanted to show Daddy. I said, "Look at Lucia go!" and he told me to let go, and I did. And you stood, facing this little play stove with pots and pans. And you were playing. And I let go... !! You are amazing. I called your therapists to tell them and they were so proud of you. Since then you have done it more or less every day and we've captured photos of this milestone. Every day when I feel sad (it's been a very rainy, gray week) I look at your picture hanging by my desk, and I smile. I am so proud of you. Proud isn't the word. Amazed. You are growing up so fast. You are gaining weight; I can tell. Your face looks chubbier, your clothes fit you better. You are so amazing, little girl.
You still continue to have little interest in fruits, but you LOVE spinach. I made you a little mix of spinach, rice, milk, and will add some tofu...it's like your saag paneer. You love veggies. I'm going to experiment with spices, too. I'm so proud of myself for making your food. It only takes an hour or so on Saturdays and I have weeks' worth of food in my freezer. You are worth it, and I am proud of myself for ensuring you have fresh food, expressed milk (even though 8 months of pumping has been exhausting, stressful, aggravating). You are worth it. Your health is the most important thing in the world to me. You have continued to thrive (failure to thrive? um, no) and you haven't gotten sick once. Obviously what we're doing is working. You are such a wonderful, happy, laughing, talkative baby (Da-da-da continues to be your favorite word!). You obviously miss me when I'm at work because when I get home, all you want is for me to hold you, and you hug and kiss me. You need me, and I need you. Our relationship has never been all one-sided, me taking care of you. You take care of me too. I need these snuggles with you. There is no better feeling in the world than being able to cuddle you at the end of the day.
I love you, Lucia. Now that you are making so much progress it's time to slow things down a bit. Don't grow up too fast on me...
Love, Mama
You are over 8 months now. In typical Lucia fashion, you are showing off. I cannot put into words the relief I feel when you reach another monumental milestone. Also, the pride. I am so proud of you. We all have worked so hard to get where we are today, but you have worked the hardest. You are so determined, so motivated. You inspire me. Here I complain about squeezing a workout in on a busy workday. You are accomplishing greatness. They were so worried about your weakness and low muscle tone. But we worked - we did exercises, repetition, muscle memory, strengthening you, and you took off and showed improvement. Over the course of last week, we saw a difference. By Saturday, we stopped in Cottontails to look for an activity table - if you have toys to play with and amuse you, we figured you would be motivated to stand. I held you up to the first table we saw, and you just stood while I supported your hips. Wow. Next table, same thing. I was cautious and didn't want to let go. On the way out, we saw a play kitchen, and I wanted to show Daddy. I said, "Look at Lucia go!" and he told me to let go, and I did. And you stood, facing this little play stove with pots and pans. And you were playing. And I let go... !! You are amazing. I called your therapists to tell them and they were so proud of you. Since then you have done it more or less every day and we've captured photos of this milestone. Every day when I feel sad (it's been a very rainy, gray week) I look at your picture hanging by my desk, and I smile. I am so proud of you. Proud isn't the word. Amazed. You are growing up so fast. You are gaining weight; I can tell. Your face looks chubbier, your clothes fit you better. You are so amazing, little girl.
You still continue to have little interest in fruits, but you LOVE spinach. I made you a little mix of spinach, rice, milk, and will add some tofu...it's like your saag paneer. You love veggies. I'm going to experiment with spices, too. I'm so proud of myself for making your food. It only takes an hour or so on Saturdays and I have weeks' worth of food in my freezer. You are worth it, and I am proud of myself for ensuring you have fresh food, expressed milk (even though 8 months of pumping has been exhausting, stressful, aggravating). You are worth it. Your health is the most important thing in the world to me. You have continued to thrive (failure to thrive? um, no) and you haven't gotten sick once. Obviously what we're doing is working. You are such a wonderful, happy, laughing, talkative baby (Da-da-da continues to be your favorite word!). You obviously miss me when I'm at work because when I get home, all you want is for me to hold you, and you hug and kiss me. You need me, and I need you. Our relationship has never been all one-sided, me taking care of you. You take care of me too. I need these snuggles with you. There is no better feeling in the world than being able to cuddle you at the end of the day.
I love you, Lucia. Now that you are making so much progress it's time to slow things down a bit. Don't grow up too fast on me...
Love, Mama
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
May 10, 2011
Dear Lucia,
You are almost 8 months. Time flies. You know, it's tough sometimes, to just appreciate, to enjoy, to savor. I admit sometimes I succumb to fear and worry, and I suppose that is normal, but you deserve my confidence, my faith, my trust. Every time I worry, you look at me, and you know how to reassure me. You smile, you continue to excel, you remind me that you are a miracle and that I have to have hope. And I will.
You are small - people keep telling me how tiny you are, how old you look because of your hair, but that you are so tiny. You are, and it's ok. We had tests done and there is nothing wrong. We're adding some calorie powder to your food, but either way, you are okay. You sit up on your own so well now. You are pushing up more on your hands. We are working with you to bear weight on your legs and you WILL get there. You are motivated, that is what your PT says. The key is repetition, toys to motivate you, and you will get there. Daddy and I sat with you last night and rolled a ball to you and I helped you push it back to Daddy. You got the hang of it and took over after a few tries. You loved it. You love doing your exercises on the ball, and you are getting stronger. I am at peace with the fact that you have some physical delays. I will accept that. There is nothing you can't do; it just might take you a little longer. You love your jumper - LOVE to show off your jumping, get excited when the music plays, and I clap at you. Your legs are strong, and you'll gain strength every day.
That said, you will have some physical delays, but cognitively, you are on target. You are talkative - you LOVE to say "dadadadada", your favorite word. You whisper, "Dada" to me. :) You love to say something that sounds like "heeeeeey" too. You've said "Mama" but "Dada" is your preference, and "gaga". You LOVE to laugh. You find Daddy amusing when he plays peekaboo and we tickle you. Your personality is so perfect - such a happy girl you are. You bring a smile to my face over and over again.
We went to Baltimore for a trip over Easter weekend - not too bad of a drive except for the crazy traffic!! But you were great in the car, easygoing as always. You slept pretty well in the hotel, enjoying all the room we had on our bed. You enjoyed your first Yankee game - they played amazingly and you slept for a lot of it on my lap. It was a night game but you did well - slept and then woke up for the last 2.5 innings. You kept trying to grab the food of the person to my right, but it was ok. You charmed everyone you met. :)
On Sunday morning, Mother's Day, we snuggled in bed with you (you sleep with us a lot these days because of reflux!) and you hugged me and put your head on my chest. This was the sweetest moment and it made my first Mother's Day. I get teary eyed still - I almost lost you. I am so grateful that you are here with me, that I get to be your mom. I have so much pride, so much love, so much admiration for you. You are such a beautiful girl. You continue to be so alert and interested in everything, grabbing EVERYTHING in sight (hair, glasses, remotes, etc.) and you love plastic bags, paper, Sophie's tail. It makes me proud that when we meet doctors for the first time, who only know you from your birth history, they are blown away. They have an expectation of a completely different baby than you are. You continue to amaze everyone, and I admit that I am so proud of you and how far you've come.
You are such a sweetie, Lucia! I love you so much.
Love, Mama
P.S. - i LOVE that all the doctors still want to keep you on my milk, NO supplementing. I'm so proud of my hard work, and you have stayed so healthy because of it. Woot! Big victory here, because if one more person asks when I'm switching to formula or supplementing, I will lose it. Finally, at long last, validation of what I knew all along.
You are almost 8 months. Time flies. You know, it's tough sometimes, to just appreciate, to enjoy, to savor. I admit sometimes I succumb to fear and worry, and I suppose that is normal, but you deserve my confidence, my faith, my trust. Every time I worry, you look at me, and you know how to reassure me. You smile, you continue to excel, you remind me that you are a miracle and that I have to have hope. And I will.
You are small - people keep telling me how tiny you are, how old you look because of your hair, but that you are so tiny. You are, and it's ok. We had tests done and there is nothing wrong. We're adding some calorie powder to your food, but either way, you are okay. You sit up on your own so well now. You are pushing up more on your hands. We are working with you to bear weight on your legs and you WILL get there. You are motivated, that is what your PT says. The key is repetition, toys to motivate you, and you will get there. Daddy and I sat with you last night and rolled a ball to you and I helped you push it back to Daddy. You got the hang of it and took over after a few tries. You loved it. You love doing your exercises on the ball, and you are getting stronger. I am at peace with the fact that you have some physical delays. I will accept that. There is nothing you can't do; it just might take you a little longer. You love your jumper - LOVE to show off your jumping, get excited when the music plays, and I clap at you. Your legs are strong, and you'll gain strength every day.
That said, you will have some physical delays, but cognitively, you are on target. You are talkative - you LOVE to say "dadadadada", your favorite word. You whisper, "Dada" to me. :) You love to say something that sounds like "heeeeeey" too. You've said "Mama" but "Dada" is your preference, and "gaga". You LOVE to laugh. You find Daddy amusing when he plays peekaboo and we tickle you. Your personality is so perfect - such a happy girl you are. You bring a smile to my face over and over again.
We went to Baltimore for a trip over Easter weekend - not too bad of a drive except for the crazy traffic!! But you were great in the car, easygoing as always. You slept pretty well in the hotel, enjoying all the room we had on our bed. You enjoyed your first Yankee game - they played amazingly and you slept for a lot of it on my lap. It was a night game but you did well - slept and then woke up for the last 2.5 innings. You kept trying to grab the food of the person to my right, but it was ok. You charmed everyone you met. :)
On Sunday morning, Mother's Day, we snuggled in bed with you (you sleep with us a lot these days because of reflux!) and you hugged me and put your head on my chest. This was the sweetest moment and it made my first Mother's Day. I get teary eyed still - I almost lost you. I am so grateful that you are here with me, that I get to be your mom. I have so much pride, so much love, so much admiration for you. You are such a beautiful girl. You continue to be so alert and interested in everything, grabbing EVERYTHING in sight (hair, glasses, remotes, etc.) and you love plastic bags, paper, Sophie's tail. It makes me proud that when we meet doctors for the first time, who only know you from your birth history, they are blown away. They have an expectation of a completely different baby than you are. You continue to amaze everyone, and I admit that I am so proud of you and how far you've come.
You are such a sweetie, Lucia! I love you so much.
Love, Mama
P.S. - i LOVE that all the doctors still want to keep you on my milk, NO supplementing. I'm so proud of my hard work, and you have stayed so healthy because of it. Woot! Big victory here, because if one more person asks when I'm switching to formula or supplementing, I will lose it. Finally, at long last, validation of what I knew all along.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
April 20, 2011
Dear Lucia,
Wow, we've been busy. I strive to write in this more, but it's a reflection of how crazy our lives have been. You keep me very busy! When I get home at night, it's 6pm, and I want to savor those 2 hours I get to spend with you. We are feeding you all kinds of solids and some you enjoy, some you do not. This is mommy and Lucia time. We sit and look at the fish in the fish tank. I feed you, and we play. I throw dinner in the oven and sometimes it's overcooked, sometimes it's undercooked. Occasionally it comes out ok. But you are my priority. You talk and sing to me while I rinse out my pumping parts and bottles. Then we have a fun bath and play some more. I give you baby massage while I dry you off, and sing to you. Then we snuggle and have a bottle before I put you to bed. You change so much every week, and I hope I can be more consistent with your blog. Things are so busy but I want to capture everything you are doing. Doctors are finally figuring out that you are just small for your age. You are petite. Nothing is wrong. My milk has helped you grow and kept you healthy.
You are so beautiful. The way you smile and laugh, my heart melts. We are going on our first trip as a family. It should be interesting with milk, pumping, thickener, baby food, diapers... But we can do it. Your first Yankee game at Baltimore!
I love you so much, and I am going to aim to update this more. I don't want to miss any of your tricks!!
Love, Mama
Wow, we've been busy. I strive to write in this more, but it's a reflection of how crazy our lives have been. You keep me very busy! When I get home at night, it's 6pm, and I want to savor those 2 hours I get to spend with you. We are feeding you all kinds of solids and some you enjoy, some you do not. This is mommy and Lucia time. We sit and look at the fish in the fish tank. I feed you, and we play. I throw dinner in the oven and sometimes it's overcooked, sometimes it's undercooked. Occasionally it comes out ok. But you are my priority. You talk and sing to me while I rinse out my pumping parts and bottles. Then we have a fun bath and play some more. I give you baby massage while I dry you off, and sing to you. Then we snuggle and have a bottle before I put you to bed. You change so much every week, and I hope I can be more consistent with your blog. Things are so busy but I want to capture everything you are doing. Doctors are finally figuring out that you are just small for your age. You are petite. Nothing is wrong. My milk has helped you grow and kept you healthy.
You are so beautiful. The way you smile and laugh, my heart melts. We are going on our first trip as a family. It should be interesting with milk, pumping, thickener, baby food, diapers... But we can do it. Your first Yankee game at Baltimore!
I love you so much, and I am going to aim to update this more. I don't want to miss any of your tricks!!
Love, Mama
Monday, March 21, 2011
March 21, 2011
Dear Lucia,
As I type this, it's snowing. It's the first full day of spring, and it's snowing.
You are over 6 months now, and you are getting so big. I can't keep up with all of your changes. We had a test last week to see if your swallow had improved. You are getting there, but you are still aspirating thin liquids into your lungs. We still need to thicken your milk. But... we also tested how you did with purees and you did fine! You can't wait to have more foods. You took the spoon very well, and you seemed very interested in the taste and texture of rice cereal. I hope this will help with your weight gain a bit. You are such a long, lean string bean!! You are 26" and still less than 13 lbs. Your head circumference and length are on track, so your doctor isn't terribly concerned. You are very active! You must have your father's metabolism; you sure didn't inherit mine. Good for you. :)
You are making amazing strides in physical therapy. I believe the word Cheryl used last week to describe her thoughts was "ecstatic". :) You love working on the ball, and you are getting stronger core muscles every day. You like tummy time a little bit more because you roll over onto your back very easily. So when you get mad enough, you roll over. It's hard to keep you on your tummy. You are practicing sitting up unassisted. This makes me smile because this is what all babies are doing. You are not behind. You are on track. I'm starting to feel a little something like relief. Of course I still get scared. Of course. But at the same time, what I see are weaknesses and strengths, which are characteristic of all people, babies and adults. I don't see anything that you can't do. You just need a little support and help in certain tasks. You are so focused, so driven, that you work hard to complete anything you are given. You are a fast learner. It was hard to see that you are still aspirating, but the dr reminded me of your "rough start" which I of course already remember and can never forget. At the same time, however, it's amazing to think that so far this is our main issue. This is workable, you will do this. We learned exercises to do and ways we can assist you, and we will do that. You can do this.
So that is where I choose to focus. Optimism. You have overcome so much. You will get there. Remembering your painful first few days on this earth, I am humbled and reminded of how much you have accomplished. I look at you every night at bedtime, and I kiss you and thank you for fighting to come home to us. You are my beautiful, happy little girl. You haven't said "mama" yet, but you say, "mmmm-ma" which is close enough for me. You are my little girl. At nighttime I hold you and I dance with you, and it is the highlight of my day. As hard as it is to go back to your birth, it puts everything into perspective for me.
I love you, big girl!
Love, Mama
As I type this, it's snowing. It's the first full day of spring, and it's snowing.
You are over 6 months now, and you are getting so big. I can't keep up with all of your changes. We had a test last week to see if your swallow had improved. You are getting there, but you are still aspirating thin liquids into your lungs. We still need to thicken your milk. But... we also tested how you did with purees and you did fine! You can't wait to have more foods. You took the spoon very well, and you seemed very interested in the taste and texture of rice cereal. I hope this will help with your weight gain a bit. You are such a long, lean string bean!! You are 26" and still less than 13 lbs. Your head circumference and length are on track, so your doctor isn't terribly concerned. You are very active! You must have your father's metabolism; you sure didn't inherit mine. Good for you. :)
You are making amazing strides in physical therapy. I believe the word Cheryl used last week to describe her thoughts was "ecstatic". :) You love working on the ball, and you are getting stronger core muscles every day. You like tummy time a little bit more because you roll over onto your back very easily. So when you get mad enough, you roll over. It's hard to keep you on your tummy. You are practicing sitting up unassisted. This makes me smile because this is what all babies are doing. You are not behind. You are on track. I'm starting to feel a little something like relief. Of course I still get scared. Of course. But at the same time, what I see are weaknesses and strengths, which are characteristic of all people, babies and adults. I don't see anything that you can't do. You just need a little support and help in certain tasks. You are so focused, so driven, that you work hard to complete anything you are given. You are a fast learner. It was hard to see that you are still aspirating, but the dr reminded me of your "rough start" which I of course already remember and can never forget. At the same time, however, it's amazing to think that so far this is our main issue. This is workable, you will do this. We learned exercises to do and ways we can assist you, and we will do that. You can do this.
So that is where I choose to focus. Optimism. You have overcome so much. You will get there. Remembering your painful first few days on this earth, I am humbled and reminded of how much you have accomplished. I look at you every night at bedtime, and I kiss you and thank you for fighting to come home to us. You are my beautiful, happy little girl. You haven't said "mama" yet, but you say, "mmmm-ma" which is close enough for me. You are my little girl. At nighttime I hold you and I dance with you, and it is the highlight of my day. As hard as it is to go back to your birth, it puts everything into perspective for me.
I love you, big girl!
Love, Mama
Saturday, March 12, 2011
March 12, 2011
Dear Lucia,
Wow, I'm so sorry that I'm bad at updating this regularly! You keep me so busy. When I get home from work, I get that 1.5-2 hours with you and after that time I'm ready to drop. You are so much fun these days, and I am finally breathing some sighs of sweet relief. You are sitting well with help. You smile, giggle, sing/coo/talk constantly. You clearly have so much to say. You are definitely my daughter! Your hair is so long and wild! I finally have to keep it in a ponytail on top of your head because I cannot otherwise tame it. You have the most easygoing and loving personality. You are so easygoing and happy, carefree. It seems fitting after all you have gone through in your short life thus far - why worry about the small stuff when you've had to endure much more scary stuff? You are enjoying tummy time on your ball - you love bouncing. You are sitting up in your high chair, banging toys around on your tray. You put EVERYTHING in your mouth. You grab at my sweaters, shirts when I change you. You love to roll all over the place. You will be hard to keep up with when you are crawling, walking. You are a vivacious, active, lively spirit. Such a beautiful girl. I don't just say that because you are my daughter. You are BEAUTIFUL. I am so proud of you. I have finally found a group for other mommies who have babies who had a similar rough start in the beginning, and it's amazing - most of them are thriving and doing amazingly just like you! They had the cooling blanket therapy as well. It's so reassuring. It makes me feel much better, breathe easier. You are so amazing, so strong. It may take you slightly longer to do one thing but you WILL do it - you are so passionately determined to whatever you set your mind to. You have such will and drive. You will examine everything you see and take everything in. If you are given something to master, with practice you master it very easily. You want to do it all. You are such a showoff.
Happy 6 months, tomorrow, big girl. I love you so much!
Love, Mama
Wow, I'm so sorry that I'm bad at updating this regularly! You keep me so busy. When I get home from work, I get that 1.5-2 hours with you and after that time I'm ready to drop. You are so much fun these days, and I am finally breathing some sighs of sweet relief. You are sitting well with help. You smile, giggle, sing/coo/talk constantly. You clearly have so much to say. You are definitely my daughter! Your hair is so long and wild! I finally have to keep it in a ponytail on top of your head because I cannot otherwise tame it. You have the most easygoing and loving personality. You are so easygoing and happy, carefree. It seems fitting after all you have gone through in your short life thus far - why worry about the small stuff when you've had to endure much more scary stuff? You are enjoying tummy time on your ball - you love bouncing. You are sitting up in your high chair, banging toys around on your tray. You put EVERYTHING in your mouth. You grab at my sweaters, shirts when I change you. You love to roll all over the place. You will be hard to keep up with when you are crawling, walking. You are a vivacious, active, lively spirit. Such a beautiful girl. I don't just say that because you are my daughter. You are BEAUTIFUL. I am so proud of you. I have finally found a group for other mommies who have babies who had a similar rough start in the beginning, and it's amazing - most of them are thriving and doing amazingly just like you! They had the cooling blanket therapy as well. It's so reassuring. It makes me feel much better, breathe easier. You are so amazing, so strong. It may take you slightly longer to do one thing but you WILL do it - you are so passionately determined to whatever you set your mind to. You have such will and drive. You will examine everything you see and take everything in. If you are given something to master, with practice you master it very easily. You want to do it all. You are such a showoff.
Happy 6 months, tomorrow, big girl. I love you so much!
Love, Mama
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
February 23, 2011
Dear Lucia,
You certainly keep me busy! I can't believe it has been so long, and yet I can believe it. What happened this month... more snow, an ice storm, a huge bout with the flu that had myself and Daddy down for the count for over a week. You stayed healthy. I credit breastmilk with keeping you strong, your immune system is a powerhouse.
We had a lovely long weekend with you last weekend - Daddy and I were both home for Presidents' Day. At your last pediatrician visit, you are up to 12lbs 8oz!! Finally making it over 12 lbs!!! This is such great news. I was beginning to worry a little. I can't help it. I keep fearing that if you stay tiny, I may be told to add formula to your diet, and I don't want to do that. I have so much milk in the deep freezer. I would cry if I had to supplement your meals. Thank you for sticking with it, for having such a hearty appetite, and for trusting that Mama would take care of you. It is an amazing feeling to know that all my hard work has paid off. I make your sustenance. I have helped you grow healthy and strong. It is such hard work, pumping all the time, cleaning bottles, pump parts, etc. You are worth it. I am so proud of myself for not giving up. Your milk is still being thickened but you have another swallow test in mid-March. I know you will blow them all away that day. I hope we can finally move past this extra step in your feeding process. I am trying to hang on to the hope that we can attempt breastfeeding. I really want to do this. It will be okay if I can't, but I really want to!!
So what are your tricks these days... You like to laugh and giggle, you go from giggles to full-on laughing fits. You smile all the time. You are a happy baby. Even when you are fussing from teething, when Daddy picks you up and flies you in the air as airplane baby, you smile and laugh. You are so easily soothed. This is why you still sleep in our room. Though this practice may be controversial or not everyone's cup of tea, this works best for us. You like knowing we are there, and we like knowing you are okay. I can hear when you start to stir and comfort you and take care of you before you get worked up and upset. You are easily soothed, and usually you just want Daddy or me to walk you around and rub your back, tickle your feet, stroke your head, bounce you. You love cuddling with Sophie too. She is your friend. We took pictures of you holding hands, rubbing her tummy.
I love that you are such a happy baby. Hearing you laugh is the best music in the world. Your hair is getting so long, and you are getting bigger every day. I can't believe how fast time flies. Although I'm working I am thinking of you constantly. I am trying to do the best I can every day for you. I savor the moments where we can all snuggle together or play with you and make you giggle. I love our quiet times at the end of the day. Being your mother makes my life worthwhile, gives new meaning to my life, makes me smile wider than I ever have.
I love you, Lucia. You know I can't worry about you, because worry means I'm doubting you. And when I look at you, there is no room for doubt.
Love,
Mama
You certainly keep me busy! I can't believe it has been so long, and yet I can believe it. What happened this month... more snow, an ice storm, a huge bout with the flu that had myself and Daddy down for the count for over a week. You stayed healthy. I credit breastmilk with keeping you strong, your immune system is a powerhouse.
We had a lovely long weekend with you last weekend - Daddy and I were both home for Presidents' Day. At your last pediatrician visit, you are up to 12lbs 8oz!! Finally making it over 12 lbs!!! This is such great news. I was beginning to worry a little. I can't help it. I keep fearing that if you stay tiny, I may be told to add formula to your diet, and I don't want to do that. I have so much milk in the deep freezer. I would cry if I had to supplement your meals. Thank you for sticking with it, for having such a hearty appetite, and for trusting that Mama would take care of you. It is an amazing feeling to know that all my hard work has paid off. I make your sustenance. I have helped you grow healthy and strong. It is such hard work, pumping all the time, cleaning bottles, pump parts, etc. You are worth it. I am so proud of myself for not giving up. Your milk is still being thickened but you have another swallow test in mid-March. I know you will blow them all away that day. I hope we can finally move past this extra step in your feeding process. I am trying to hang on to the hope that we can attempt breastfeeding. I really want to do this. It will be okay if I can't, but I really want to!!
So what are your tricks these days... You like to laugh and giggle, you go from giggles to full-on laughing fits. You smile all the time. You are a happy baby. Even when you are fussing from teething, when Daddy picks you up and flies you in the air as airplane baby, you smile and laugh. You are so easily soothed. This is why you still sleep in our room. Though this practice may be controversial or not everyone's cup of tea, this works best for us. You like knowing we are there, and we like knowing you are okay. I can hear when you start to stir and comfort you and take care of you before you get worked up and upset. You are easily soothed, and usually you just want Daddy or me to walk you around and rub your back, tickle your feet, stroke your head, bounce you. You love cuddling with Sophie too. She is your friend. We took pictures of you holding hands, rubbing her tummy.
I love that you are such a happy baby. Hearing you laugh is the best music in the world. Your hair is getting so long, and you are getting bigger every day. I can't believe how fast time flies. Although I'm working I am thinking of you constantly. I am trying to do the best I can every day for you. I savor the moments where we can all snuggle together or play with you and make you giggle. I love our quiet times at the end of the day. Being your mother makes my life worthwhile, gives new meaning to my life, makes me smile wider than I ever have.
I love you, Lucia. You know I can't worry about you, because worry means I'm doubting you. And when I look at you, there is no room for doubt.
Love,
Mama
Saturday, January 29, 2011
January 29, 2011
Dear Lucia,
Today you were full of giggles. You just love being airplane baby. You can be teething and upset or fussy, and if one of us picks you up as an airplane you make the cutest face. You stop fussing and get so excited about flying. You drop drool bombs on us down below. It's a shame we were both so sore from shovelling snow. I could barely lift you above my shoulders but I did it anyway, because you love it so much. You love to sit on my lap and look at whatever I'm doing on the computer. You are so incredibly interested in any of your toys. I love that alertness about you. It shows me that your brain is fully functioning and sharp. You make connections, give careful consideration and thought to every little thing. When I held you on my lap to read Yummy Yucky, you went to turn the pages. You understand what happens next, the process of reading, or at least you remember what we do when we hold you in our laps and read. So amazing.
It is getting easier to talk about your story. I still can't do it without crying. I can't. I tear up instantly. No matter who I'm talking to. At least now the tears aren't all sad. They still are a bit, I'll admit, but I suppose mainly because I'm still shaken, still traumatized. I still battle anxiety and nightmares. At the same time, I know it is your story. It has made you who you are. One day you'll see pictures of you as a baby hooked up to breathing equipment, tubes everywhere, monitors. You'll see pictures where you are bloated to 14 lbs at 1 week old. I was blind to these extra details. All I saw was you, my baby. I remember Dr. Dennery saying that Daddy should take a picture of you and send it to me to prepare me for what you looked like. I was just happy to see you. I didn't remember what you looked like. It had been 4 days since your birth and I'd only spent a total of 3 minutes with you, if that. I wasn't scared when I saw you. I went quickly to whatever part of your body I COULD touch (3 fingers on one hand and the top of your head) and I touched you, talked to you, kissed you. I told you everything, how badly we'd wanted a baby, how much we loved you, how we talked to you in my belly. I sang to you, I sat and just tried to transmit the love I felt through a touch of 2 fingers to your head. I wanted you to know it was me. Your eyes were closed for days. I would see them open after that point but even then it was briefly. All of this was going on, and I really only saw you. I saw you with my heart. I bonded with you in whatever ways I could. You clung to my finger tightly. You had a firm grip. This gave me hope when there was none. Your spirit was there, you were fighting hard.
Now I look at those pictures or I talk about your birth and it's still enough to make me tear up, but I also feel tears of joy. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. Every positive report from your doctors and therapists is amazing reassurance. I still worry, and I will for a while. We're not out of the woods by any means. But you grow stronger each day. As more time passes, I'm allowed to enjoy you. I let myself enjoy you. I'm not going to miss out on all the fun stuff you do at this age because of fear. I refuse. There is fun stuff in abundance. Your laugh is beautiful music. When you smile, I can't help but smile back at you, a big goofy crazy smile that makes my cheeks hurt. I never smile so much as I do when I'm with you. So I do get tears in my eyes, but they are mainly happy tears. And all the little things, from spitup to poopy diapers, to waking up in the middle of the night as you are teething and fussy are gifts because they make life feel more "normal".
I love you, Lucia Hope.
Love, Mama
Today you were full of giggles. You just love being airplane baby. You can be teething and upset or fussy, and if one of us picks you up as an airplane you make the cutest face. You stop fussing and get so excited about flying. You drop drool bombs on us down below. It's a shame we were both so sore from shovelling snow. I could barely lift you above my shoulders but I did it anyway, because you love it so much. You love to sit on my lap and look at whatever I'm doing on the computer. You are so incredibly interested in any of your toys. I love that alertness about you. It shows me that your brain is fully functioning and sharp. You make connections, give careful consideration and thought to every little thing. When I held you on my lap to read Yummy Yucky, you went to turn the pages. You understand what happens next, the process of reading, or at least you remember what we do when we hold you in our laps and read. So amazing.
It is getting easier to talk about your story. I still can't do it without crying. I can't. I tear up instantly. No matter who I'm talking to. At least now the tears aren't all sad. They still are a bit, I'll admit, but I suppose mainly because I'm still shaken, still traumatized. I still battle anxiety and nightmares. At the same time, I know it is your story. It has made you who you are. One day you'll see pictures of you as a baby hooked up to breathing equipment, tubes everywhere, monitors. You'll see pictures where you are bloated to 14 lbs at 1 week old. I was blind to these extra details. All I saw was you, my baby. I remember Dr. Dennery saying that Daddy should take a picture of you and send it to me to prepare me for what you looked like. I was just happy to see you. I didn't remember what you looked like. It had been 4 days since your birth and I'd only spent a total of 3 minutes with you, if that. I wasn't scared when I saw you. I went quickly to whatever part of your body I COULD touch (3 fingers on one hand and the top of your head) and I touched you, talked to you, kissed you. I told you everything, how badly we'd wanted a baby, how much we loved you, how we talked to you in my belly. I sang to you, I sat and just tried to transmit the love I felt through a touch of 2 fingers to your head. I wanted you to know it was me. Your eyes were closed for days. I would see them open after that point but even then it was briefly. All of this was going on, and I really only saw you. I saw you with my heart. I bonded with you in whatever ways I could. You clung to my finger tightly. You had a firm grip. This gave me hope when there was none. Your spirit was there, you were fighting hard.
Now I look at those pictures or I talk about your birth and it's still enough to make me tear up, but I also feel tears of joy. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. Every positive report from your doctors and therapists is amazing reassurance. I still worry, and I will for a while. We're not out of the woods by any means. But you grow stronger each day. As more time passes, I'm allowed to enjoy you. I let myself enjoy you. I'm not going to miss out on all the fun stuff you do at this age because of fear. I refuse. There is fun stuff in abundance. Your laugh is beautiful music. When you smile, I can't help but smile back at you, a big goofy crazy smile that makes my cheeks hurt. I never smile so much as I do when I'm with you. So I do get tears in my eyes, but they are mainly happy tears. And all the little things, from spitup to poopy diapers, to waking up in the middle of the night as you are teething and fussy are gifts because they make life feel more "normal".
I love you, Lucia Hope.
Love, Mama
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
January 26, 2011
Dear Lucia,
Another great visit with your pediatrician last night. You are FINALLY 12 pounds! You are 25" in length. You are long and lean. You did not get this from your mother, so I think that it is safe to say you do show some of your father's traits. You have my hair and eyes but his long and lean stature. You are therefore poised to be a supermodel ;). You showed off excellent head control for the doctor and she keeps using the word "awesome" to describe you. Every positive visit helps me to feel a little less worry. Here we have made it already 4.5 months and you are doing so well! You are such an angel.
Today I'm at work and we are battling yet ANOTHER snow storm. I just want to leave and come home and play with you. It's hard getting home to fussy teething baby. I like when I get to cuddle you when you wake up and play with you while you laugh and giggle. You are so happy that it's hard to see you deal with any stress. Your eczema is finally looking better too. I've been eliminating dairy from my diet for a good month now, and this is not easy! No pizza, yogurt, cottage cheese, etc. - the foods I love! You are worth it though. I was secretly hoping dairy wasn't the culprit. I'd gladly eliminate other foods instead.
Ok, well I better get back to work. Your photos all over my desk are distraction enough. I love you. Here's hoping for a snow day tomorrow at least. I loved last Friday - just the two of us - music, playtime, exercises, cuddling, giggling... I also got lots of housework done. It was the perfect quiet kind of day. Fingers crossed for tomorrow... I love you, sweetheart!!
Love, Mama
Another great visit with your pediatrician last night. You are FINALLY 12 pounds! You are 25" in length. You are long and lean. You did not get this from your mother, so I think that it is safe to say you do show some of your father's traits. You have my hair and eyes but his long and lean stature. You are therefore poised to be a supermodel ;). You showed off excellent head control for the doctor and she keeps using the word "awesome" to describe you. Every positive visit helps me to feel a little less worry. Here we have made it already 4.5 months and you are doing so well! You are such an angel.
Today I'm at work and we are battling yet ANOTHER snow storm. I just want to leave and come home and play with you. It's hard getting home to fussy teething baby. I like when I get to cuddle you when you wake up and play with you while you laugh and giggle. You are so happy that it's hard to see you deal with any stress. Your eczema is finally looking better too. I've been eliminating dairy from my diet for a good month now, and this is not easy! No pizza, yogurt, cottage cheese, etc. - the foods I love! You are worth it though. I was secretly hoping dairy wasn't the culprit. I'd gladly eliminate other foods instead.
Ok, well I better get back to work. Your photos all over my desk are distraction enough. I love you. Here's hoping for a snow day tomorrow at least. I loved last Friday - just the two of us - music, playtime, exercises, cuddling, giggling... I also got lots of housework done. It was the perfect quiet kind of day. Fingers crossed for tomorrow... I love you, sweetheart!!
Love, Mama
Monday, January 24, 2011
January 24, 2011
Dear Lucia,
I'm writing you from work today. I needed to take a break and think of you. One year ago yesterday was when I found out I was pregnant. It was a scary time - neither of us was working, and we had no health insurance. We didn't even have our own place to live. We knew we had a good 9 months and we'd figure it out. Everything would fall into place. It did. Slowly. I was nervous being without healthcare, afraid of any negative impact my less than perfect diabetes care would have on you. When we found out, I was already in my 5th week of pregnancy. You were the size of a poppyseed. I looked exactly the same; my weight gain hadn't started yet (just a few post-Christmas pounds). But I would sit and feel restless - somewhere, a tiny poppyseed was developing what would turn into a nervous system, a brain, organs... Every week I'd check and see how big you'd grown. I kept the pregnancy as much of a secret as I could. After all, without insurance, we were scared. We went out to celebrate for dinner, made a trip to Barnes and Noble to buy pregnancy books. Our journey was beginning, and we had no idea what to expect. I had no idea what it would mean to be a mother. I was scared, excited, nervous, all at once. We wanted to wait and find out the sex. We are old fashioned. We wanted that surprise moment. Of course your birth was FULL of surprises, good and bad. I had a feeling you were a girl. So did Daddy. I work on Madison Avenue - you always kicked when I'd arrive here each day. :)
We had a neurologist appointment last week. I admit that doctor's appointments are still very scary to me, especially neurology. She said overall you look good. She said we are still waiting and seeing, looking to your developmental milestones. So far you are doing so well. I'm so grateful for early intervention - you have weekly therapies and you are thriving. You are alert and curious as ever, getting stronger on tummy time, almost ready to roll (you are flailing around, moving like crazy. Any day now...), talking my ear off a mile a minute. You LOVE being an airplane baby, when we hold you up high and you stretch out long and smile at us. You are teething and that is the only time you are MISERABLE. You are all drool and crankiness. You wake up a lot more now during the night. You shove your whole hand and anything else you can find in your mouth. You are such an easygoing baby. It's like we need to perform an exorcism when you wake up. I feel awful and usually you are consolable eventually. Honestly though, as painful as it is to see you like this, I'm relieved. These are normal things. You are SUPPOSED to go through this. Sorry to say, but you are. You are doing amazingly - so interested, so focused on everything. I could worry 24/7, and I admit that last week, I had one day where I indulged my worries. It was awful, and I had knots in my stomach. Once I got home from work, and I held you, I felt better. You have come a long way, and you will continue to do so. I am so proud to be your mom. I cannot express that enough.
I will try to write in this blog more regularly. I do want to capture all the wonderful things you are doing, and what you are up to. You change so much week by week these days. I have to try to keep up!
I love you, Lucia.
Love, Mama
I'm writing you from work today. I needed to take a break and think of you. One year ago yesterday was when I found out I was pregnant. It was a scary time - neither of us was working, and we had no health insurance. We didn't even have our own place to live. We knew we had a good 9 months and we'd figure it out. Everything would fall into place. It did. Slowly. I was nervous being without healthcare, afraid of any negative impact my less than perfect diabetes care would have on you. When we found out, I was already in my 5th week of pregnancy. You were the size of a poppyseed. I looked exactly the same; my weight gain hadn't started yet (just a few post-Christmas pounds). But I would sit and feel restless - somewhere, a tiny poppyseed was developing what would turn into a nervous system, a brain, organs... Every week I'd check and see how big you'd grown. I kept the pregnancy as much of a secret as I could. After all, without insurance, we were scared. We went out to celebrate for dinner, made a trip to Barnes and Noble to buy pregnancy books. Our journey was beginning, and we had no idea what to expect. I had no idea what it would mean to be a mother. I was scared, excited, nervous, all at once. We wanted to wait and find out the sex. We are old fashioned. We wanted that surprise moment. Of course your birth was FULL of surprises, good and bad. I had a feeling you were a girl. So did Daddy. I work on Madison Avenue - you always kicked when I'd arrive here each day. :)
We had a neurologist appointment last week. I admit that doctor's appointments are still very scary to me, especially neurology. She said overall you look good. She said we are still waiting and seeing, looking to your developmental milestones. So far you are doing so well. I'm so grateful for early intervention - you have weekly therapies and you are thriving. You are alert and curious as ever, getting stronger on tummy time, almost ready to roll (you are flailing around, moving like crazy. Any day now...), talking my ear off a mile a minute. You LOVE being an airplane baby, when we hold you up high and you stretch out long and smile at us. You are teething and that is the only time you are MISERABLE. You are all drool and crankiness. You wake up a lot more now during the night. You shove your whole hand and anything else you can find in your mouth. You are such an easygoing baby. It's like we need to perform an exorcism when you wake up. I feel awful and usually you are consolable eventually. Honestly though, as painful as it is to see you like this, I'm relieved. These are normal things. You are SUPPOSED to go through this. Sorry to say, but you are. You are doing amazingly - so interested, so focused on everything. I could worry 24/7, and I admit that last week, I had one day where I indulged my worries. It was awful, and I had knots in my stomach. Once I got home from work, and I held you, I felt better. You have come a long way, and you will continue to do so. I am so proud to be your mom. I cannot express that enough.
I will try to write in this blog more regularly. I do want to capture all the wonderful things you are doing, and what you are up to. You change so much week by week these days. I have to try to keep up!
I love you, Lucia.
Love, Mama
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
January 18, 2011
Dear Lucia,
You have your neurology follow up tomorrow morning at Monmouth Medical Center. I know you will be a rock star. Of course I worry...I'm your mom. I'd worry no matter what. I want the best for you. I want you to have the world. I want you to have everything you could possibly desire. I would worry about you. But I know you so well. I've been blessed with four months of Lucia. You now are quite the talker. You babble, you coo. You sing. You will hold certain notes for a while and then when I repeat after you, you giggle. You are doing everything that a four month old baby would do. I do look forward to the day when you are no longer on thickened feeds. I have to mix your milk in a tub in the fridge. I'm glad I still pump, that I never gave up. Part of me still hopes you can breastfeed one day... You've come so far. I have to be confident in that. I know you will be amazing tomorrow. I can't think anything other than that. You've been so amazing so far. I love you!! You are proof that hope exists. I share your story with others to show other parents how resilient babies' brains are, and I encourage parents with babies in the NICU to never give up hope. You are an angel and an inspiration. Your story touches hearts and allows people to believe in miracles.
I am so proud to be your mama!!!
I love you,
Mama
You have your neurology follow up tomorrow morning at Monmouth Medical Center. I know you will be a rock star. Of course I worry...I'm your mom. I'd worry no matter what. I want the best for you. I want you to have the world. I want you to have everything you could possibly desire. I would worry about you. But I know you so well. I've been blessed with four months of Lucia. You now are quite the talker. You babble, you coo. You sing. You will hold certain notes for a while and then when I repeat after you, you giggle. You are doing everything that a four month old baby would do. I do look forward to the day when you are no longer on thickened feeds. I have to mix your milk in a tub in the fridge. I'm glad I still pump, that I never gave up. Part of me still hopes you can breastfeed one day... You've come so far. I have to be confident in that. I know you will be amazing tomorrow. I can't think anything other than that. You've been so amazing so far. I love you!! You are proof that hope exists. I share your story with others to show other parents how resilient babies' brains are, and I encourage parents with babies in the NICU to never give up hope. You are an angel and an inspiration. Your story touches hearts and allows people to believe in miracles.
I am so proud to be your mama!!!
I love you,
Mama
Saturday, January 1, 2011
January 1, 2011
One more update - as of 12/21/10, you are 23.5" and 11lbs 7oz. You are tiny but growing on taret, 50th percentile. Beautiful thick hair, big giggling blue eyes. You are doing all you should be, excellent head control, grabbing at objects, talking/cooing/singing. What a perfect little doll!! XOXO Love, Mama
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