October 3, 2010

Dear Lucia,

Wow, you are almost three weeks old! I can't believe it's only been three weeks. So much has happened. You have come so far. We have come so far. You have taught me so much about strength, faith, love. You have taught me what it means to love. I could sit here and reflect on all the things I could have done differently and wonder if things would have turned out differently, but you have filled me with such strength and courage that I never thought was possible. You've given me renewed sense of optimism despite such overwhelming circumstances. I am not an optimist, usually.

See, your daddy and I have hit some tough times in our lives, and these tend to be the periods that test us, our wills. We have, however, gained such strength, individually and as a couple during these times. You are a little angel. You will never know how you have brought people together who otherwise had drifted apart. You gave me hope when I had none at all. This is the toughest thing your daddy and I have gone through in our lives - the thought of losing you is the scariest thing I can imagine. To see you suffer or go through any pain is beyond heartbreak. You are the most beautiful little baby ever, and I'm not just saying that because you're ours. Your birth was beautiful no matter how scary it was. Your daddy and I held hands and looked in each other's eyes. I was so numb from the spinal that I didn't know they had started my surgery. He rushed in to make it in time for your arrival. He was still in a suit and I was so relieved to see him and it was funny to see him in blue hospital scrubs. I'm not ready to relive the pain and fear that followed because right now, I want to focus on the blessing, the joy. You are named after light and hope. Doctors kept asking if your name came after your birth, but it didn't. Your name was well planned. We are so grateful for you and you have given us so much in the three weeks since you were born. You have taught us what it means to truly love someone with your whole entire being. You have given us a deeper love for each other and strength that I never thought possible. You are the strength I need to keep going. I see you and I can't feel sad, I can't feel weakness. I can only feel pure love and joy, no matter what. No matter that I'm holding you with tubes and hospital furniture and beeping machines. You are so beautiful and I'm so proud to be your mother. I will say this probably one thousand times throughout this blog, because I am so very proud of you, Lucia. You will probably never comprehend how much, and this is why I need to repeat it often.

Lucia, this is why I can't focus on the negative - you were the light and hope of our lives before you were born. We all seemed to sense that you were a girl. :) Whenever we'd have an ultrasound, your daddy and I were so amazed to see you, we'd treasure those moments, those little glimpses at you. You brought so much joy to us (that was the other middle name choice I loved, Joy) and gave us so much to look forward to. We could not even (and can't still to this day) wrap our heads around the idea that you were in my belly, that we'd FINALLY have a baby. Every time we'd see you on the ultrasound and see your chubby cheeks or your cute little feet we were blown away. It felt so surreal. I remember your heart ultrasound, seeing how strong and steady it was and feeling so connected to you, seeing your strength symbolized in that solid heartbeat.

Tomorrow it will be three weeks since your birth. I can't believe it has only been three weeks. So much has happened - You've blown everyone away. You have a whole following on facebook - do you even know that? You're a diva at <3 weeks. I cannot express my gratitude to everyone for support because this has been a rollercoaster, and I couldn't make it through without their love and kindness. This has been a long road, but I like that there is a light at the end of the tunnel now. You are that light - you've been flickering quietly this whole time, and now you are burning brightly, strong, healthy, a force to be reckoned with. Some day I will write more about your birth but I don't want to dwell on any pain right now. Because one day, I will take you home and all of this will be a distant memory - the pain part anyway. I will never forget the lessons that I take away from this, the love that I feel for you. I will never take for granted a single moment I get to spend with you outside of a hospital. Ever. You are so precious to me, and I love you beyond words, Lucia Hope.

Love, Mama