October 4, 2010

Dear Lucia,

Today was another big day! I am trying to keep up with all of your tricks so I can document them. I can't believe that today, around the same time you were born, you reached another huge milestone! You were able to suck on a pacifier with a little of my milk on it. You worked with a speech therapist on your sucking motions. The doctors were worried that you didn't have a gag reflex but you definitely do! How could they tell anyway with that tube down your throat? I'm pretty sure you did gag; you threw up quite a few times, after all. Next, after you mastered the pacifier, you showed us how you can drink milk from the bottle too!! You are so amazing - you drank 30 mL of milk! I get to give you another bottle tomorow and then eventually you can breastfeed, once we establish that you can swallow and not gag or throw up.

I can't believe it's only been three weeks since your birth. I do celebrate every week because every week is a gift. Every day is. I'm still blown away that you are here, fighting, making me proud, showing the doctors. 3 weeks ago we weren't sure you'd make it through the night. I wasn't sure of anything. Now here you are, showing everyone you are the boss, you are strong, you are a force to be reckoned with.

I feel pain when I have to leave you at night. You were crying when I left tonight. There are not enough hours in the day. I just want to hold you and kiss you and make up for all the pain of your birth, make up for all the lost time. It may seem short, a couple of weeks, but I feel I have to. I look at you and I well up in tears. I hate that you went through all this at such a younge age. I know it's not my fault, but I'm so sorry. I hate that you had to endure this. You look back at me as if to say that it's ok, you're tough, you're strong, you can handle it. I love you, and I am so sorry that you went through this. I will spend the rest of my life making up for this partly because I feel bad and partly because I will never take a second of time with you for granted. This has been such an emotional roller coaster, the past three weeks. I'm glad you are doing so well and there is a light at the end of it all. I try to focus on that when I get overwhelmed. I can easily cry from joy as easily as I can cry from sadness these days.

I love you! You keep fighting, Lucia!

Love, Mama