Dear Lucia,
Today you were full of giggles. You just love being airplane baby. You can be teething and upset or fussy, and if one of us picks you up as an airplane you make the cutest face. You stop fussing and get so excited about flying. You drop drool bombs on us down below. It's a shame we were both so sore from shovelling snow. I could barely lift you above my shoulders but I did it anyway, because you love it so much. You love to sit on my lap and look at whatever I'm doing on the computer. You are so incredibly interested in any of your toys. I love that alertness about you. It shows me that your brain is fully functioning and sharp. You make connections, give careful consideration and thought to every little thing. When I held you on my lap to read Yummy Yucky, you went to turn the pages. You understand what happens next, the process of reading, or at least you remember what we do when we hold you in our laps and read. So amazing.
It is getting easier to talk about your story. I still can't do it without crying. I can't. I tear up instantly. No matter who I'm talking to. At least now the tears aren't all sad. They still are a bit, I'll admit, but I suppose mainly because I'm still shaken, still traumatized. I still battle anxiety and nightmares. At the same time, I know it is your story. It has made you who you are. One day you'll see pictures of you as a baby hooked up to breathing equipment, tubes everywhere, monitors. You'll see pictures where you are bloated to 14 lbs at 1 week old. I was blind to these extra details. All I saw was you, my baby. I remember Dr. Dennery saying that Daddy should take a picture of you and send it to me to prepare me for what you looked like. I was just happy to see you. I didn't remember what you looked like. It had been 4 days since your birth and I'd only spent a total of 3 minutes with you, if that. I wasn't scared when I saw you. I went quickly to whatever part of your body I COULD touch (3 fingers on one hand and the top of your head) and I touched you, talked to you, kissed you. I told you everything, how badly we'd wanted a baby, how much we loved you, how we talked to you in my belly. I sang to you, I sat and just tried to transmit the love I felt through a touch of 2 fingers to your head. I wanted you to know it was me. Your eyes were closed for days. I would see them open after that point but even then it was briefly. All of this was going on, and I really only saw you. I saw you with my heart. I bonded with you in whatever ways I could. You clung to my finger tightly. You had a firm grip. This gave me hope when there was none. Your spirit was there, you were fighting hard.
Now I look at those pictures or I talk about your birth and it's still enough to make me tear up, but I also feel tears of joy. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. Every positive report from your doctors and therapists is amazing reassurance. I still worry, and I will for a while. We're not out of the woods by any means. But you grow stronger each day. As more time passes, I'm allowed to enjoy you. I let myself enjoy you. I'm not going to miss out on all the fun stuff you do at this age because of fear. I refuse. There is fun stuff in abundance. Your laugh is beautiful music. When you smile, I can't help but smile back at you, a big goofy crazy smile that makes my cheeks hurt. I never smile so much as I do when I'm with you. So I do get tears in my eyes, but they are mainly happy tears. And all the little things, from spitup to poopy diapers, to waking up in the middle of the night as you are teething and fussy are gifts because they make life feel more "normal".
I love you, Lucia Hope.
Love, Mama
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
January 26, 2011
Dear Lucia,
Another great visit with your pediatrician last night. You are FINALLY 12 pounds! You are 25" in length. You are long and lean. You did not get this from your mother, so I think that it is safe to say you do show some of your father's traits. You have my hair and eyes but his long and lean stature. You are therefore poised to be a supermodel ;). You showed off excellent head control for the doctor and she keeps using the word "awesome" to describe you. Every positive visit helps me to feel a little less worry. Here we have made it already 4.5 months and you are doing so well! You are such an angel.
Today I'm at work and we are battling yet ANOTHER snow storm. I just want to leave and come home and play with you. It's hard getting home to fussy teething baby. I like when I get to cuddle you when you wake up and play with you while you laugh and giggle. You are so happy that it's hard to see you deal with any stress. Your eczema is finally looking better too. I've been eliminating dairy from my diet for a good month now, and this is not easy! No pizza, yogurt, cottage cheese, etc. - the foods I love! You are worth it though. I was secretly hoping dairy wasn't the culprit. I'd gladly eliminate other foods instead.
Ok, well I better get back to work. Your photos all over my desk are distraction enough. I love you. Here's hoping for a snow day tomorrow at least. I loved last Friday - just the two of us - music, playtime, exercises, cuddling, giggling... I also got lots of housework done. It was the perfect quiet kind of day. Fingers crossed for tomorrow... I love you, sweetheart!!
Love, Mama
Another great visit with your pediatrician last night. You are FINALLY 12 pounds! You are 25" in length. You are long and lean. You did not get this from your mother, so I think that it is safe to say you do show some of your father's traits. You have my hair and eyes but his long and lean stature. You are therefore poised to be a supermodel ;). You showed off excellent head control for the doctor and she keeps using the word "awesome" to describe you. Every positive visit helps me to feel a little less worry. Here we have made it already 4.5 months and you are doing so well! You are such an angel.
Today I'm at work and we are battling yet ANOTHER snow storm. I just want to leave and come home and play with you. It's hard getting home to fussy teething baby. I like when I get to cuddle you when you wake up and play with you while you laugh and giggle. You are so happy that it's hard to see you deal with any stress. Your eczema is finally looking better too. I've been eliminating dairy from my diet for a good month now, and this is not easy! No pizza, yogurt, cottage cheese, etc. - the foods I love! You are worth it though. I was secretly hoping dairy wasn't the culprit. I'd gladly eliminate other foods instead.
Ok, well I better get back to work. Your photos all over my desk are distraction enough. I love you. Here's hoping for a snow day tomorrow at least. I loved last Friday - just the two of us - music, playtime, exercises, cuddling, giggling... I also got lots of housework done. It was the perfect quiet kind of day. Fingers crossed for tomorrow... I love you, sweetheart!!
Love, Mama
Monday, January 24, 2011
January 24, 2011
Dear Lucia,
I'm writing you from work today. I needed to take a break and think of you. One year ago yesterday was when I found out I was pregnant. It was a scary time - neither of us was working, and we had no health insurance. We didn't even have our own place to live. We knew we had a good 9 months and we'd figure it out. Everything would fall into place. It did. Slowly. I was nervous being without healthcare, afraid of any negative impact my less than perfect diabetes care would have on you. When we found out, I was already in my 5th week of pregnancy. You were the size of a poppyseed. I looked exactly the same; my weight gain hadn't started yet (just a few post-Christmas pounds). But I would sit and feel restless - somewhere, a tiny poppyseed was developing what would turn into a nervous system, a brain, organs... Every week I'd check and see how big you'd grown. I kept the pregnancy as much of a secret as I could. After all, without insurance, we were scared. We went out to celebrate for dinner, made a trip to Barnes and Noble to buy pregnancy books. Our journey was beginning, and we had no idea what to expect. I had no idea what it would mean to be a mother. I was scared, excited, nervous, all at once. We wanted to wait and find out the sex. We are old fashioned. We wanted that surprise moment. Of course your birth was FULL of surprises, good and bad. I had a feeling you were a girl. So did Daddy. I work on Madison Avenue - you always kicked when I'd arrive here each day. :)
We had a neurologist appointment last week. I admit that doctor's appointments are still very scary to me, especially neurology. She said overall you look good. She said we are still waiting and seeing, looking to your developmental milestones. So far you are doing so well. I'm so grateful for early intervention - you have weekly therapies and you are thriving. You are alert and curious as ever, getting stronger on tummy time, almost ready to roll (you are flailing around, moving like crazy. Any day now...), talking my ear off a mile a minute. You LOVE being an airplane baby, when we hold you up high and you stretch out long and smile at us. You are teething and that is the only time you are MISERABLE. You are all drool and crankiness. You wake up a lot more now during the night. You shove your whole hand and anything else you can find in your mouth. You are such an easygoing baby. It's like we need to perform an exorcism when you wake up. I feel awful and usually you are consolable eventually. Honestly though, as painful as it is to see you like this, I'm relieved. These are normal things. You are SUPPOSED to go through this. Sorry to say, but you are. You are doing amazingly - so interested, so focused on everything. I could worry 24/7, and I admit that last week, I had one day where I indulged my worries. It was awful, and I had knots in my stomach. Once I got home from work, and I held you, I felt better. You have come a long way, and you will continue to do so. I am so proud to be your mom. I cannot express that enough.
I will try to write in this blog more regularly. I do want to capture all the wonderful things you are doing, and what you are up to. You change so much week by week these days. I have to try to keep up!
I love you, Lucia.
Love, Mama
I'm writing you from work today. I needed to take a break and think of you. One year ago yesterday was when I found out I was pregnant. It was a scary time - neither of us was working, and we had no health insurance. We didn't even have our own place to live. We knew we had a good 9 months and we'd figure it out. Everything would fall into place. It did. Slowly. I was nervous being without healthcare, afraid of any negative impact my less than perfect diabetes care would have on you. When we found out, I was already in my 5th week of pregnancy. You were the size of a poppyseed. I looked exactly the same; my weight gain hadn't started yet (just a few post-Christmas pounds). But I would sit and feel restless - somewhere, a tiny poppyseed was developing what would turn into a nervous system, a brain, organs... Every week I'd check and see how big you'd grown. I kept the pregnancy as much of a secret as I could. After all, without insurance, we were scared. We went out to celebrate for dinner, made a trip to Barnes and Noble to buy pregnancy books. Our journey was beginning, and we had no idea what to expect. I had no idea what it would mean to be a mother. I was scared, excited, nervous, all at once. We wanted to wait and find out the sex. We are old fashioned. We wanted that surprise moment. Of course your birth was FULL of surprises, good and bad. I had a feeling you were a girl. So did Daddy. I work on Madison Avenue - you always kicked when I'd arrive here each day. :)
We had a neurologist appointment last week. I admit that doctor's appointments are still very scary to me, especially neurology. She said overall you look good. She said we are still waiting and seeing, looking to your developmental milestones. So far you are doing so well. I'm so grateful for early intervention - you have weekly therapies and you are thriving. You are alert and curious as ever, getting stronger on tummy time, almost ready to roll (you are flailing around, moving like crazy. Any day now...), talking my ear off a mile a minute. You LOVE being an airplane baby, when we hold you up high and you stretch out long and smile at us. You are teething and that is the only time you are MISERABLE. You are all drool and crankiness. You wake up a lot more now during the night. You shove your whole hand and anything else you can find in your mouth. You are such an easygoing baby. It's like we need to perform an exorcism when you wake up. I feel awful and usually you are consolable eventually. Honestly though, as painful as it is to see you like this, I'm relieved. These are normal things. You are SUPPOSED to go through this. Sorry to say, but you are. You are doing amazingly - so interested, so focused on everything. I could worry 24/7, and I admit that last week, I had one day where I indulged my worries. It was awful, and I had knots in my stomach. Once I got home from work, and I held you, I felt better. You have come a long way, and you will continue to do so. I am so proud to be your mom. I cannot express that enough.
I will try to write in this blog more regularly. I do want to capture all the wonderful things you are doing, and what you are up to. You change so much week by week these days. I have to try to keep up!
I love you, Lucia.
Love, Mama
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
January 18, 2011
Dear Lucia,
You have your neurology follow up tomorrow morning at Monmouth Medical Center. I know you will be a rock star. Of course I worry...I'm your mom. I'd worry no matter what. I want the best for you. I want you to have the world. I want you to have everything you could possibly desire. I would worry about you. But I know you so well. I've been blessed with four months of Lucia. You now are quite the talker. You babble, you coo. You sing. You will hold certain notes for a while and then when I repeat after you, you giggle. You are doing everything that a four month old baby would do. I do look forward to the day when you are no longer on thickened feeds. I have to mix your milk in a tub in the fridge. I'm glad I still pump, that I never gave up. Part of me still hopes you can breastfeed one day... You've come so far. I have to be confident in that. I know you will be amazing tomorrow. I can't think anything other than that. You've been so amazing so far. I love you!! You are proof that hope exists. I share your story with others to show other parents how resilient babies' brains are, and I encourage parents with babies in the NICU to never give up hope. You are an angel and an inspiration. Your story touches hearts and allows people to believe in miracles.
I am so proud to be your mama!!!
I love you,
Mama
You have your neurology follow up tomorrow morning at Monmouth Medical Center. I know you will be a rock star. Of course I worry...I'm your mom. I'd worry no matter what. I want the best for you. I want you to have the world. I want you to have everything you could possibly desire. I would worry about you. But I know you so well. I've been blessed with four months of Lucia. You now are quite the talker. You babble, you coo. You sing. You will hold certain notes for a while and then when I repeat after you, you giggle. You are doing everything that a four month old baby would do. I do look forward to the day when you are no longer on thickened feeds. I have to mix your milk in a tub in the fridge. I'm glad I still pump, that I never gave up. Part of me still hopes you can breastfeed one day... You've come so far. I have to be confident in that. I know you will be amazing tomorrow. I can't think anything other than that. You've been so amazing so far. I love you!! You are proof that hope exists. I share your story with others to show other parents how resilient babies' brains are, and I encourage parents with babies in the NICU to never give up hope. You are an angel and an inspiration. Your story touches hearts and allows people to believe in miracles.
I am so proud to be your mama!!!
I love you,
Mama
Saturday, January 1, 2011
January 1, 2011
One more update - as of 12/21/10, you are 23.5" and 11lbs 7oz. You are tiny but growing on taret, 50th percentile. Beautiful thick hair, big giggling blue eyes. You are doing all you should be, excellent head control, grabbing at objects, talking/cooing/singing. What a perfect little doll!! XOXO Love, Mama
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)