July 8, 2011

Dear Lucia,

You are almost 10 months old!! I can't believe it. We are already planning your birthday party, which completely blows my mind. A whole year of Lucia, and I almost didn't get to have these memories. I get teary eyed thinking of it. Last year this time, I was pregnant, it was brutally hot summer, and I was excited. I was scared. I was nervous. I learned that you were breech and I'd need to have a csection. Despite all odds, though, you were doing just fine. I saw you every week on the ultrasound. You were so obviously a beautiful, pouty girl. Last night when I was rocking you to sleep, I looked at your smiling, sleeping face, and you looked just like that same baby. After all we've been through, your face is the one I saw all that time. It's surreal. When we snuggle at night, like that, it's the most calming moment of my day. I hate days where I only get that hour before bedtime with you ALL day, but I savor it. I miss you and I know you miss me, and we both need those cuddles in the rocking chair with music and your bottle. It's how I imagined I'd breastfeed you, had I been able to. I'm still sad that I couldn't, and as you get older, I realize that, and I have to mourn it. I am proud I've worked so hard pumping for you, but when I sit there and reflect on being pregnant, and of all the dreams I'd had, that was one. Nothing went as planned. Nothing. That being said, nothing could have prepared me for how happy you'd make me, how much I'd love you. I was so nervous about how I would adjust - would it be difficult, the selfish part of me who's become accustomed to focusing on myself and Daddy was worried about how I'd manage it all, how I could work all day and find time to do everything. It's hard most days. It's challenging. I'm more tired than I've ever been on a consistent basis, but I'm also happier. My life has so much more meaning, because every single thing I do I think about you and how it affects you. Your strength inspires me, Lucia. When I see you doing things that I was afraid you wouldn't do, I cry. You're so happy, so lovable, so perfect.

I'm so glad it's already Friday, glad for the short week, can't wait to go home and snuggle you tonight.

I love you,
Mama

PS - i LOVE that you've actually been saying "mama" a LOT lately. :) It melts my heart every single time.