January 24, 2011

Dear Lucia,



I'm writing you from work today. I needed to take a break and think of you. One year ago yesterday was when I found out I was pregnant. It was a scary time - neither of us was working, and we had no health insurance. We didn't even have our own place to live. We knew we had a good 9 months and we'd figure it out. Everything would fall into place. It did. Slowly. I was nervous being without healthcare, afraid of any negative impact my less than perfect diabetes care would have on you. When we found out, I was already in my 5th week of pregnancy. You were the size of a poppyseed. I looked exactly the same; my weight gain hadn't started yet (just a few post-Christmas pounds). But I would sit and feel restless - somewhere, a tiny poppyseed was developing what would turn into a nervous system, a brain, organs... Every week I'd check and see how big you'd grown. I kept the pregnancy as much of a secret as I could. After all, without insurance, we were scared. We went out to celebrate for dinner, made a trip to Barnes and Noble to buy pregnancy books. Our journey was beginning, and we had no idea what to expect. I had no idea what it would mean to be a mother. I was scared, excited, nervous, all at once. We wanted to wait and find out the sex. We are old fashioned. We wanted that surprise moment. Of course your birth was FULL of surprises, good and bad. I had a feeling you were a girl. So did Daddy. I work on Madison Avenue - you always kicked when I'd arrive here each day. :)



We had a neurologist appointment last week. I admit that doctor's appointments are still very scary to me, especially neurology. She said overall you look good. She said we are still waiting and seeing, looking to your developmental milestones. So far you are doing so well. I'm so grateful for early intervention - you have weekly therapies and you are thriving. You are alert and curious as ever, getting stronger on tummy time, almost ready to roll (you are flailing around, moving like crazy. Any day now...), talking my ear off a mile a minute. You LOVE being an airplane baby, when we hold you up high and you stretch out long and smile at us. You are teething and that is the only time you are MISERABLE. You are all drool and crankiness. You wake up a lot more now during the night. You shove your whole hand and anything else you can find in your mouth. You are such an easygoing baby. It's like we need to perform an exorcism when you wake up. I feel awful and usually you are consolable eventually. Honestly though, as painful as it is to see you like this, I'm relieved. These are normal things. You are SUPPOSED to go through this. Sorry to say, but you are. You are doing amazingly - so interested, so focused on everything. I could worry 24/7, and I admit that last week, I had one day where I indulged my worries. It was awful, and I had knots in my stomach. Once I got home from work, and I held you, I felt better. You have come a long way, and you will continue to do so. I am so proud to be your mom. I cannot express that enough.



I will try to write in this blog more regularly. I do want to capture all the wonderful things you are doing, and what you are up to. You change so much week by week these days. I have to try to keep up!



I love you, Lucia.



Love, Mama