December 15, 2010

Dear Lucia,

It's been almost a month since I updated this. It's been very hectic, going back to work. I've just gone, on autopilot, feeling very sleepy. I can't think about it or I get too sad. I could start crying and not easily stop. I just try to stay busy so the day will pass more quickly. I pump milk 3x a day, so those are the quiet moments where I feel connected to you though we are far apart. I reflect and I think of you, how much I love you. It's a lot of work but I remind myself that it is my milk that has kept you strong, healthy, thriving. I will do anything to give you this special gift. I have to know that I'm doing everything I can for you. It's hard, and I was actually glad that although I was sick last week, I got extra snuggle/cuddle time with you. Some nights I get home and you are asleep and it kills me. I just want to hold you, kiss you, snuggle you, but I need to let you sleep. You are growing up so fast, and I miss you. I'm afraid I'll miss things you do for the first time. I just have to remember that when I experience them, they will be new to me. I will be proud of you, as always.

You've grown so much. You are ONLY on bottles now, and taking less thick milk than you were before. You are making progress. You hold your head up so strong and so proudly! You can sit up in your bumbo and love tummy time. You prefer it on the Boppy so you are off the ground and can look around. You reach for toys. You smile. A lot. You recognize me and give me the most amazing smiles and grins. You babble and coo, which is the cutest thing in the world. New sounds are added constantly, new letter combos. You started with oohs and aahs and now have a-ga and gooo, all kinds of sounds. Your cries even take on new sounds of protest. You are sleeping through the night, and are still such an easygoing baby. You like bathtime, love splashing, playing with rubber duckie. You just hate getting out and drying off. I don't blame you - I hate that in the cold weather too. You did love to talk to your reflection in the mirror last week though, that was the cutest ever. You were fussing as usual, but then you caught your reflection and started to coo, staring at your own face all the while. You were checking out the pretty girl in the mirror. It was too cute.

This is your first Christmas and I'm so glad you are home. I remember being in the hospital and scared you wouldnt make it and thinking how sad this year would be. But you're home, you're alive. You are so strong, and I know I say this every time, but it's true. I don't think you'll ever realize how strong you are. You are who gives me strength. I am not really loving my job most days, and I hate my commute. You show me how to get through it, remind me you will love me. When you recognize me and greet me with a smile, my heart melts. I'm always afraid (silly) that you'll forget me, you won't remember who I am. I'm so relieved when you are happy to see me. You are doing everything you are supposed to do - every dr./specialist says so. You have come so far in three months. Just look where we were when I started this blog. I was sitting bedside in CHOP. Now you are on my bed, leaning on the Boppy, snoozing away. You are already teething. Now you need to slow down. I don't want to miss anything, and I don't want it to fly by this fast.

I love you, and I"m sorry I'm so slow to update this. So much has been happening, but I haven't had time to update. As I think of details I'll write them down. So far so good, so amazing. Time to snuggle you, kiss you. This is the highlight of my life right now. Life is good. My baby is healthy, breathing, and strong.

I love you, angel. Keep making me proud!

Love, Mama