December 31, 2010

Dear Lucia,

Well 2010 is almost over. What a year it's been. Started off pregnant with you (as of 12/30) and almost lost you, but here we are healthy and happy. When this year started out, neither daddy nor I was working. Things didn't look very promising. Then I started at Sony Music and two days later my period was late. I knew in my heart I was pregnant and two tests that Saturday, January 23rd, confirmed it. It was scary - we had no health insurance and with my diabetes, I had a lot to worry about. Daddy started working a few weeks later and I interviewed for a fulltime job. With morning sickness and winter weather to contend with, I commuted to NY and interviewed in my free time. Luckily Sony made me permanent as of March, so we could finally go to the OB. We saw you for the first time on an ultrasound and you were a tiny little bean with a blinking heartbeat. As I wasn't showing yet, this made it real to us. You were there, growing, heart beating. Each week I'd get an email to let me know what size you were as compared with food - avocado, lemon, bell pepper... you grew so fast! The summer was BRUTAL!! I was swollen, hot, big old cankles... All of it was so worth it because I could feel your movements and I knew I loved you so much.

I loved feeling you in my belly. It felt so private, just you and me. I would swear I felt you kick my ribs but you were breech, butt down, for the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy. You kind of tilted one way to the other, but you did not flip. So you were headbutting me all those weeks. Daddy and I were rubbing and talking to your butt (which we had thought was your head!). I loved knowing you were safe in there. Every week I got to see you on ultrasounds, and I loved it. You had so much hair from early on, such big squeezable chubby cheeks. I could see such detailed images of your cute face. I loved walking around and talking to you, playing music for you, rubbing my belly. It got so huge - I did use it as a shelf to rest my arms on, the remote, my ipod, Nintendo DS, food. :)

Now here we are, at the end of 2010. We've come so far. Going from the surprise of a lifetime - we're having a BABY to almost losing you. Along the way in my pregnancy feeling every possible emotion - elation, fear, worry, anxiety, joy, love, insecurity of whether or not I'd be a good mom. Then I almost lost you. The day you were born, I was so scared. I felt less movement in my belly, and you were a very active baby - considering you were over 9 lbs, you moved a LOT. I hadn't felt you move. I had fear in the pit of my stomach. And you weren't moving, you had no heartbeat at birth, not breathing. You were fully resuscitated. I didn't get to see your face until 30 mins after birth. I didn't even see your hair - I saw blue eyes and blond eyelashes. You were then swooped away. I fell in love with you then. I was SO HAPPY to have a little girl. Not that I wouldn't have been happy with a boy, but I wanted a girl!! I wanted to have a cooking partner, go to the Nutcracker, buy patent leather mary janes, ponytails, prom dresses. I wanted a girl. Now I can sit here and dream of doing all of those things with you, Lucia.

I finally feel I have to let go of the pain of your birth. It was the scariest day of my life. It was also the most amazing. I became a mother and with that, I was afraid - I loved you so much instantly. All those fears of being an inadequate parents fell away. All I knew is you had to be okay. I had to be with you and hold your hand and love you. You would be okay if I could be with you, if Daddy could be with you. I had to wait four long days to get to see you again. I saw you once more strapped to a stretcher with tubes all over you. I got to touch your face and it was so surreal. Here I had been worried about lack of skin to skin contact directly after birth due to my c-section, and I couldn't hold you at all. I didn't know if I'd ever get to. i had to touch you, and kiss my fingers and give you a kiss that way. I was so scared because in those short moments I knew I loved you so much and I'd do anything for you. I couldn't lose you. I couldn't give up hope.

I'm glad I didn't. I really never did. I kept pumping breastmilk defiantly as a way of showing the doctors, you, everyone I wasn't giving up. You'd be ok - you'd get my milk one day, and you'd thrive. And you did. And you are. I love you so much. Looking at this giggling, smiling, beautiful little girl, I am so proud of you. I can't even look at you without tearing up because I am amazed by you. What a long year it's been, and I'm so glad we're on the other side now. We have a new year ahead of us full of milestones and memories. There is so much I can't wait to do with you.

I love you my daughter, my angel, my beautiful little princess. You are seriously the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen and I'm not just saying that because I'm biased, because I"m your mother. I love you Lucia Hope. You are the best and my most proud accomplishment. I love being your mother, and I"m so glad you fought like hell for me to have that privilege. Now, as the new year begins, I need to put the pain behind me and focus on the joy and the miracle and the beauty that is your life. I have to let the pain go and feel confident, moving forward, moving ahead. You will be more than okay. You will be amazing. You already are.

Love, Mama